I’ve been a little quiet on the home front lately, mostly because, ummm, let’s just say I’m officially going through my 1/4 life crisis. Tears are constantly sitting behind my eyes, and all I pretty much want to do is go home. I’ve officially banned myself from The Facebook, it’s just too hard to see my home crew’s lives in status and/or photo form. Should we file that under #firstworldproblems? Because yes, I am aware of what I am saying.
Naomi headed back to Boston yesterday, which is probably a huge motivator for my mood today. It was so (so!) great having her here, and now suddenly, so (so!) sad having her gone. I also didn’t get the volunteer position (working with dogs in Bangkok) I was really hoping for. Very sad. I suppose I just feel really lost. It’s the first time on my trip I don’t know what to do with myself. Or where I want to go. And. I know a total of zero people on the island I’m on, so yea… it gets really lonely during the days.
My money is also lower than I thought it would be at this point, and I am in constant state of fighting myself not to eat. Seriously, food is not my friend, food is not my friend. Maybe if I say it enough, I’ll actually believe it. I blame my perpetual state of ‘hunger’ on being with no other human-beings for two days (I am a serious people-person). Usually when you stay in hostels, there are other people in your ‘dorm,’ with you, but for three nights I “splurged” (US$27/night) and got my own room. I needed my own room. To cry. To skype. To make life decisions. To sleep in. Not feel judged. Really, just to be. But now I’m alone, with no one to talk to, except you, Little Blog. That’s all.
I’m finding myself questioning everything lately. And quite frankly, it’s really annoying. I’m second guessing everything I think. Everything I do. All the things I’ve planned for the next few months. What if. Deadly words. I’ve become unable to ever make a decision. Out of fear it’s simply the wrong choice.
My mom emailed me today, “I think you are on the road to sorting things out. You just have to pick a direction and go with it.” Her email helped. I hope she’s right. I realize I’m getting life experiences while traveling and a lot of people would love to do what I’m doing (and you should btw, as I wouldn’t exchange it for anything), but as much as I’ve been ‘living the life’ (so to speak) the last few months, I keep seeing people back home accomplishing things. Engagements. Promotions. Marathons. Babies. Advancing their lives, and, well, I find myself getting jealous. Ridiculous, right? I don’t know. Maybe I’m just craving accomplishment (damn how I wanted that volunteer job).
Christmas is coming! and with it, fabulous things. At least, I hope. And then of course there is New Years Eve, which means new beginnings. A new slate. A new wonderful and fresh year. It’s true, I did indeed fail at all three of my NYE resolutions, but as always, 2012 will be another year to try. To try. I’m in a perpetual state of trying in my life. Never actually accomplishing. Just try-try-try trying. I’m actually so aware of this, it hurts. But 2012, here’s to hope…
It’s late here. I should sleep. I always write stupid life stuff when I’m tired. Exhibit? The above. Really sorry about that, btw. Tomorrow I’ll try upload some photos of Happy-Liz, we shall see.
Good night Little World,
Love A Wondering, Tired Soul