July 20th, 2010
33 notes ·

I never understood why people wouldn’t give their exact weight on their blogs.  What was the big deal? You’re a weight loss blog, trying to lose weight, people won’t judge the number, as that’s the point, isn’t it?  I’ve even received questions, “how do you find the courage to post your actual weight so openly?” and honestly, I never really understood why those people didn’t. Until now.

I feel like a con. 

I’ve been watching my weight steadily increase over the last few weeks, and I’m doing nothing about it. It’s like watching a crash in slow motion.  I’m just sitting here, shocked, while stuffing my face.

I make promises to myself, to you, but in the back of my mind I know I’m not willing to 100% commit.  The doubt is just there, tucked away.  And when I swear to myself this time will be different, part of me knows in that moment, it won’t be.  I don’t know how to get rid of that doubt. 

I can’t seem to find the will power, the strength to eat healthy.  I use running as an excuse to eat too… ‘but I’m running so much, so I can eat this, and that, and this, and that..’ but I can’t, not even a little bit, not even at all.

Gaining weight back is an awful feeling.  Especially for the 3rd or 4th time. I want to find a diet, find a program, get my act together, but that God damn feeling of self doubt, the feeling of ‘who cares’ is there, giving me permission to fail.

Like I said, I feel like a con. Weight loss blog? my ass.  I haven’t lost any weight in over a year.  I’ve broken more promises to you, and to me, than I can count.  I still have big dreams, big fantasies, and I still really, really, like omfg really, want to lose the weight. But I want to wake up and be skinny magically tomorrow, I don’t want to put in the work, which leads me to a dead end road.

Dear E,

What the fuck are you doing? One step forward, two steps back, just like your whole life.  Isn’t it amazing how you can look at yourself in the mirror, hate what you see, and then still eat? Amazing or ridiculously stupid?  This is your life, your one life, and this? this is the way you want to live it? It’s now or never.  The support you have is outstanding right now, the only person holding you back is you.  Think of clothes, and guys, traveling and Australia.  Commit. That’s all it takes. 

A moment’s decision.

Please,

Love E


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  1. jesslosing reblogged this from one-twenty-five and added:
    had every day for weeks upon weeks....about myself obviously.
  2. stickyheels said: Clothes, guys, traveling, Australia - you have to do it for YOU. Because you know there is a better, healthier, longer-living version of yourself somewhere inside of you. Don’t give up!
  3. swaybe said: Don’t be too hard on yourself. You’re gorgeous, you know that. All you can do is improve, and it’s not too late.
  4. thinnerpeace reblogged this from one-twenty-five
  5. missladysadie reblogged this from one-twenty-five
  6. seamonstersandtits said: i believe in you.
  7. xoxb said: Don’t beat yourself up so much! Being positive is so helpful in staying on track. Not letting one bad choice or one bad meal or one bad day derail you. When you beat yourself up, you contribute to your derailment. You can do it. Be kind to yourself.
  8. one-twenty-five posted this