One Twenty Five

This won’t make sense to you as I haven’t explained anything to you, but I’m on the verge of tears right now.

Chances are the tears are highly correlated to my severe lack of sleep the past week, or the pain in my knee, but they’re there. Just waiting for one final thing to push me over the edge and let them fill my eyes. 

I bet I’d probably feel better if I did cry. I usually do.

The most wonderful quote in the world (which I often think about) says, if there’s one thing in life we know, it’s that life goes on.  I need life to fast forward, to go on, to move over this hurdle, so that that sick feeling leaves my stomach and my head clears. 

I’m so annoyed with the person I am right now, my actions and non-actions from Friday night, and, if I’m being honest, my inability to not drink too much the night before my plane ride home, thus resulting in missing my bus, and nearly missing the plane (thank God they delayed it for me).  I’m also sad I freaked out yet again when a boy liked me, and everything I’ve been working towards in the last year didn’t matter. 

I’m so bored with life. This routine.  With my constant struggles and always failing at them.  I’m sick of thinking about food/weight 24/7, this cannot be what life is about, nor can sitting in my corner cubicle at work, watching the stock market move.  I don’t care. I want out. 

There is something so appealing to me to just get up and leave.  Go somewhere where nobody knows my name and not tell anybody at home. Just disappear.  Be the person I want to be.  No expectations.  No responsibilities. 

My fingers shake when I think about what happened.  How I let myself down, my friends down.  I’m done with this chapter on my life, I need to move on, not always people-please, not always constantly be consumed in my weight and food, not always care what people think of me.  When will I get it? None of it matters.

I’m going to sleep now. To nurse my knee and my soul.

I’ve never, in my entire life been so disappointed in myself.

Life can’t move on fast enough.