My Life [In Weight].
0 - 7: Absolutely oblivious to my size, food, or calories. Ate what I wanted, when I wanted. My earliest memory is actually sitting in the kitchen sink eating cottage cheese. It was a love affair from the start.
7 - 10: Slightly becoming aware, I may be bigger than the other girls, but whatevs, my pink butterfly clips, and the frosting on ice-cream cake keeps me quite happy.
11 - 12: Have now heard a few fat comments. Heard mum and dad talking about moving to New Zealand. I guess I could try and lose weight for that, yes! actually that’s a plan. Continue to eat mashed potatoes, and cheetos, as they’re my favourite, just maybe not the 2nd helping. Zero concept of how weight loss actually works. Don’t understand why it’s not working. Give up. It’s too hard. Food is too delicious.
12 - 14: I am definitely bigger than the other girls now, but I feel like I eat what they eat. No? I have to try and lose weight. It’s so hard though. I love food. The boys don’t like me, because I’m fat, I’m certain of that. Mum wants me to lose weight too, I feel bad because the whole family can’t have McDonalds “because of me.” Brother gets mad. Still, no concept of how to actually lose weight. Am called a “Fatty Boom Boom,” in school. Cry myself to sleep. At 13 I also ‘steal’ $20 from my mom, then went to a store and bought lots of candy with it, and sat there and ate it by myself. Didn’t understand why my mom was so mad.
15: Heard we’re moving to Canada, and stopping in LA and Hawaii on the way there, Must. Lose. Weight. Maybe I could wear my first ever bikini there? A new start would be nice. I could arrive in Canada and be nice n’ skinny. I could maybe be ‘hot.’ Maybe Canadian boys would like me if I was “skinny.” I try really hard to lose weight before we leave NZ, I skip meals, but I always end up binge eating, and will sneak food the whole time when nobody is looking. I do not realize, I am only cheating myself.
15: Arrive in Canada. Still fat. Terrified of the first day of classes. And as predicted, I am the biggest girl at the school. Horrible. The boys seem to like my accent though, if only I was skinny. Will try and lose weight anyway possible. Order my first diet pills.
16: Still trying to lose weight. Brother, sister and dad make fun of me, and I’m convinced I am the ‘token fat girl’ at my school. Too scared to try out for the rugby team, as it would just be too cliche if the, “fat girl played rugby.” Lose 20 pounds that summer, by eating no carbs. So excited for school. By Christmas I’ve gained the 20 back, plus 10. My uniform doesn’t fit me. I ask my mom to buy me a new kilt, she tells me to lose weight. Why can’t I be normal?
17: University next year. It’s now or never. I’m still certain guys don’t like me because of my weight. Have decided that skinny girls aren’t naturally skinny, they just eat way less than me. Way less. I join Weight Watchers. Fail. Realized how easy it is to throw food up. Start binging, and then purging. Secretly. Terrified my teeth will rot, but being skinny would be worth it, right? [Wrong]
18: 1st year of university. Still fat. In fact, I’m hitting a new high every month. There is a boy I really like. He likes my best friend. So the story goes… I travel Europe for a year, and along the way pick up another 20 European pounds. I webcam my mom, she comments, “you’ve ballooned,” I don’t see it. I get mad.
19: Back in Canada. I’m 100% going to lose weight before September. It’s now or never. I just won’t eat. I lose 20 pounds by reducing my calories to under 1,000/day for the summer. I’m going to Florida in the fall, maybe I could wear that two piece then? During the Florida trip I celebrate my weight loss with food. By Christmas, I’ve gained the 20 back.
20 - 21: I binge drink (and eat) a lot this year. I even dabble with hard drugs (say wha?). All the other girls in my house go to the gym. I feel like such a failure. I take up squash, enjoy it, but feel a workout justifies a burger and fries. I continue to gain weight, and get involved with a boy that makes me feel like the dirt beneath his foot. I thought that’s all I was worth, this continues for nearly 3 years. I party hard, I eat hard, and I wish I was skinny hard, but I never actually change anything.
22: Summer before my final year of school. I have to lose the weight, I just have to. I want to be skinny and fabulous, surprise everyone at the end of the summer. I can do this. I will do this. I start to consistently throw up my food. I live alone, so this was easy. I would make elaborate meals, and then purge. I saw nothing wrong with this, I was becoming skinny and getting compliments. Once school started, I was forced to stop. I gained weight, I hit a new high.
23: Summer after school. Well congratufuckinglations to me. I went through my entire 4 years of school fat. I constantly think, “what if?” I’m a failure. I slip into a slight depression (yet didn’t see it at the time) I hit my highest weight to date. Food becomes the only thing in my life I can control, and I abuse it immensely.
24: Weighed in at 200 pounds. Who is going to hire someone as fat as me? Get hired, “because of my smile.” Wonder what the guy was smokin’? Go shopping with a skinny friend to buy corporate clothes, and am told to “try the plus size store,” my friend tells the women off, but I am still mortified. I have braces, and I feel so ugly and fat the whole time. I go through the motions of life, but I’m not happy.
Feb 1, 2009: I randomly start a weight loss blog, called One Twenty Five. I decided enough is enough. I have to lose weight, to save myself. I restrict my calories back, and lose weight. Still, no exercise.
April 2009: I move out, I’m feeling good about myself, still overweight, but I now see potential in myself. I go for my first run. I have lots of friends. I laugh the whole time.
November 2009: I am now 35 pounds down. This was one of my favourite years, filled with scandalous, fun nights, karaoke Tuesdays, Caesar Sundays, lots of friends, lots of boys, and lots of awesome. Things are looking up, I decide to run a full marathon the following year. I get excited about life. I know how to lose weight now. 100%, no doubt about it, I know, but my weight now doesn’t define me, so I hit a year long plateau.
25: My favourite year to date. I seem to get my life together. My incredible weight plateau continues. I still know how to lose weight, as it’s not rocket science, I just choose the cupcakes and cookies over the asparagus and sprouts. I’m reminded that losing weight can not be done in phases, but instead it’s a life long commitment of balance. I see that losing weight is all about calories-in, verse calories-out. I run two full marathons this year, and actually gain 3 pounds in the process. Weight loss is all about food. I eat healthy, but healthy in huge portions isn’t enough. I learn who I am this year. I’m incredibly excited for what the future holds.
2011: To Be Continued…