One Twenty Five

i am fighting off sleep as i type these words. but for whatever reason i feel the need to record this moment. whatever this moment may be. i have so much going through my head right now.

truth be told when i got out my laptop to write this post it was going to be about how i feel like i’m living in a movie. how the days keep passing, and how each one gets better, and better… but as i stared that the blank word document i was overcome with an intense feeling of uncertainty. 

i miss home.
the people.
i miss the people so damn much.

i love melbourne though, i do. but there are no words to describe the desire i have to see, touch, hug, and be with my family and friends. to be with the people in this world that know me best. i am so far away from home right now. and the time difference… sixteen hours. well, it’s hard.

i suppose this is the pattern. the days are good. so good. and then night falls, whether it be 9pm or 2am and it’s then, when i’m laying in bed, they i feel lonely. I have friends here, I do, but… well, do not take the people who know you best for granted.

Catherine, what I would give to watch a movie on your couch with you, while looking at boots on pintrest, and discussing how cute Sally and Maple are…
Angela, to sit with you at Starbucks and hear in person the dozen red roses you got for valentines day!! and to help you plan for your new, big purchase!
Chris, to hear how school is going, simply to talk to you on the phone… i should have visited you while I was at home. so sorry.
Maria, to not have to write emails back and forth, but simply sit at a half booth at fynns and simply just hear how you are.  to laugh with you again, like the old times.
Kavita, to eat delicious food with you, watch a movie, and wear elastic pants with you.
Sarah, to be in nyc with you, and I’m complete ass at fb, but I am so flattered you chose one of my ny pics.

and then there is my mom, who won’t ever read these words, but  I’m pretty sure I’d sell a part of my soul to be with you right now, if not just for a moment…

i miss home.
so much.
and I am so, so far away.

sometimes i get scared i’m never going to want to settle down somewhere. like. umm. i’m always going to be looking for something that doesn’t exist. or that nothing will ever be good enough for me. i actually think about this a lot.

i used to blame everything on my weight. it was such a cushy, safety to my little life’s problems. but now i’ve realized life has very little to do with the way i look, my weight, my eyeliner, or the perfect size two dress, it’s about relationships, and people, and being happy. i am so happy in Melbourne. but my people. you people, you’re all so far away.

i don’t know. i hate how i’ve found a place i love, but it’s lacking the most important thing in this world to me, my family and friends, my support system, my life. but of course i knew all this coming in. it’s just, well, i hope home knows how much i miss them right now. that’s all, i suppose. xoxoxo