Ugh. Feel like death. Booooo.
My tiVo is calling my name. Sigh.
I counted my calories for the first time in my life today. 997 Total. Seems little, however it was an average food day. I guess my body just loves to hold onto its lovely(?), lady lumps.
I also went to the gym today TWICE, but worked too late to make it to the step class so I ran.
Once I got home I showered (duh), went grocery shopping (delicious), watched How I Met Your Mother (in a suit), and am currently watching The Bachelor, which has proved way more interesting than I thought (umm Jake the Bachelor? BORING, but oh how wrong I was!).
In a mere 20 minutes I’ll be heading to slumber land to dream of hot boys, high heels and sparkly dresses (o.k, that’s a lie, but that sounds fabulous, doesn’t it?)
Good night my beautiful readers, wherever you are.
I considered deactivating the whole, “Ask me Questions" thing as I thought it was a little ostentatious, and I was most likely boring the folks who didn’t care in the slightest about the questions I was answering. Also, my sister told me she thought I was doing a crappy job actually answering the questions (sorry!), BUT…
I decided to keep them, as personally? I enjoy asking other bloggers questions, so I just moved the location. When I answer questions they won’t feed through this site, but rather this site (125 #2!). Just thought I’d let you guys know, you can check it out when you’re bored, or ‘follow’ that site in order for them to go through your dashbored.
And now? lunch Time! My favourite time of day (tied with breakfast and dinner of course!) Oh jeesh, I’m so lame… I’m cool? Yes? Yes. Excellent.
So… I google imagined Lilly Allen as I couldn’t picture her and my, oh my thank you! I don’t quite look like her, but I’ll let you pretend I do :) She’s beautiful and everything I hope to be one day.
In regards to being hard on myself, it’s weird because this is probably the #1 thing people tell me in emails/comments/questions, but I don’t see this at all. If I wasn’t ‘hard’ on myself I’d weigh 500 pounds, I also think things always look harsher on paper, than in my head, because trust me… I let myself have one too many treats every now and again (aka most of the time).
Thank you for your comment and fabulous compliment :)
Ahh, thank you. Sincerely, thank you. The power of kindness is immense. It is nothing less, really, than the power to change the world*
*world = me
Thank you :)
The gym this morning was blah. I talked too much, and sweat too little. I let my trainer know I needed (not wanted) to drop my sessions with him to twice a week (as apposed to 3 times) in order to prolong my sessions, because of money issues and he was kind of an ass to me.
I explained that when I signed up for the gym I actually only wanted a trainer once a week and was scared (bullied?) into THREE times a week, “for the goals you want to accomplish you have no choice, but to sign up 3 times a week, you won’t achieve them otherwise.” Hence I dropped $3,000, I didn’t have, on personal training. My trainer’s exact words were, “well they were right, you’ll die if you don’t do this." I call bullshit on that.
So, I did gained weight; I’m now sitting at 168, but I already knew this was coming - steak, chocolate, lattees and deserts will do that to you.
I’ve been in a bad place mentally the past few days; I’ve been trying to answer the questions, Am I 100% Willing to Change? and How badly do I want this?
Both questions have obvious answers, but I think I need to sit down and really think about each question, because right now I want to say ‘I’m 100% willing to change,” but part of me thinks that’s a lie.
I’m sitting on the fence and terrified I’m going to topple the wrong way.
I’ll be recording my food this week in a pretty, colour coordinated excel spreadsheet, so y’all will be seeing what goes into my gut this week.
I’m going to try to remember that every moment in life I have a choice to correct my mistakes, to avoid future mistakes, to change myself and thus change the outcome of all my actions and my entire life. This doesn’t need to be my life, I have potential for
awesomeness, greatness healthiness.
The best thing I can do is the right thing and the worst thing I can do? nothing, hence I’ll trudge forward in this journey that OH.MY.GOD is becoming incredibly tedious.
I gained weight this week, like, a lot. I’m terrified of getting weighed tomorrow morning and even considered “calling in sick” to the trainer, but didn’t want to lie and I know there is no point in avoiding the truth, I must bight the bullet; I made my bed, and now? must lie in it.
I’ve been frustrating myself so much lately. It’s like I’ve got two persona’s: Skinny-E and Fat-E.
Skinny-E: Eats healthy, wants to go to the gym, even gets excited to go to the gym, feels like she can conquer the world, doesn’t consider chocolate a food group, knows her potential, and thinks, nay knows, she can do anything. She wants it more than life itself and is willing to give things up, walk away from the nights out, go to the gym twice a day, because… well, come on… it’s for an amazing cause, so it’s really a no-brainer.
Fat-E: Doesn’t care. She’ll order the desert, eat the cheesecake, not care that her jeans are DIGGING INTO HER SIDES (OMIGOD) will turn to food when something goes wrong (cough The Ex-Crush has a g/f cough). DOESN’T think she deserves to better herself. Thinks, “whatever I’ll just eat this and not eat something later.” She puts it off; tomorrow is another day. She gets all warm and fuzzy from eating, and blames it on her love of food, and not the fact that OMIGOD EMOTIONAL EATER, MUCH?!
For the last few months Fat-E has owned Skinny-E. Skinny-E makes an appearance 2 or 3 times a week, but Fat-E calls the shots.
This must change.
It has to change.
I don’t know how to change it.
I’ve been turning to food lately because I sincerely think there’s a shot I may die alone and with a lot of cats, and I’m not even a cat person.
Q) WHY DO BOYS AFFECT ME SO GOD DAMN MUCH?!
A) BECAUSE I’M A STUPID GIRL.
I feel like I’m in this terrible catch 22, I eat because guys reject me, they reject me because I eat. Blah, blah blah sorry to bore you, but I have been pissing myself off lately, eating things I don’t even want to eat and not going to the gym when I want to!
My mindset is fucked up, and I don’t know how to get it back on track. Thoughts of clothes, and bikinis, and dresses and stupid, shallow shit just isn’t cutting it these days.
The worst part? I’m not even falling into a rut, which makes it worse because OMIGOD THIS IS MY LIFE!??! WHY DO I FUCK UP EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.
Sigh, I’m going home and then to bed.
This ‘morning’ I rose after the clock struck 12, gathered my strength and ventured out into the cold (see above) to meet a friend at Tim Hortons. I sat there for several hours chit-chatting about life and boys and life, and then we both ventured to the shoe section of Holts to swoon over CLs, Manolos, Choosand other beautiful shoes that made my heart skip a beat (I was super good and didn’t buy anything, yay me!).
After some windowshopping I headed to Starbizzle, where my butt currently sits and I’ve been creeping the Internets (fb, tumblr, blogs, news, emails, Australian cities/jobs) for the last few hours, all while procrastinating from studying. Ughh.
I have the gym at 7am tomorrow with The Trainer, and then work will resume as normal come 8:30am. My routine will be back; no more short weeks, no more Christmas treat excuses, no more friends visiting…
No. More. Excuses…