Golden hour in #Toronto this evening ☀️#nofilter (at Ashbridges Bay Park)
I’ve been debating all day about how much I’d share with y’all, and how often I’d check in on this blog about my self imposed “30 days of counting calories” challenge. Part of me wants to do it behind blog doors, but another part of me (which obviously won) knows that blogging about it gives me the accountability I struggle with alone, and thus… here I am!
I’m tracking calories in an excel spreadsheet (as apposed to My Fitness Pal), and simply getting the number of calories from the package (the best choice), or googling it - and using the closest item online I can find to whatever I’m eating. I’ll be aiming for 1,300cal/day.
I am also trying to drink as much water as I possibly can, and get at least 7 hours of sleep a night. Both these points are Weight Loss 101, but I struggle with H20, and I’m notorious for staying up late, so I’m adding these two items to the list.
Well, you guys, I won’t beat around the bush, it was HARD. I had to turn down delicious treats about five times today, and had today been last Friday, I would have eaten each of the treats (fancy cupcakes to welcome a new girl to the office, a floor “cookie run,” a meeting candy jar… ect.).
I also sat at my desk thinking about how hard this was going to be, and I felt doubt take over several times, there is no way you’ll be able to do this, no way at all. But I also kept reminding myself the beginning is always hard, and how worth it it’ll be in the end (life not fat = better. ah-oh, I went there). And of course, I kept telling myself I have to take control of this.. and now!! I’ve been slowly gaining weight since last January, and it scares me to think what will happen if I don’t take action and stop it soon. As I noted the other day, I already don’t recognize myself in the mirror (so much chin fat!), and don’t even get me started on my clothes… they’re all so tight, and I’m on the verge of heading out of regular size stores. Gah!!
Here’s what I ate today. It doesn’t look like much, but it came to 1,430 calories (my goal is to hit 1,300).
Cottage cheese for breakfast, and then a beef burrito, cheese, and apple for lunch. Dinner was salsa chicken, rice, asparagus & carrots. And dessert was a cheesecake tart, my mom gave me yesterday. (I know, who eats dessert when they’re on a diet, *raises hand* I do. But if I hadn’t done this challenge I would have eaten it 3.2 seconds after my mom gave it to me yesterday, and not even thought about it again. Knowing I had it for dessert today helped me pass up on the other treats.)
And now, as I take a deep breath and shut my eyes (just kidding! I need them to type) here are my “before” photos. I told myself I’d get one shot at each angle; none of this take-a-zillion-photos-till-I-like-one-business, and so… ta-da! Here I am, for your judging pleasure.
Sexy Walmart shorts right there, right?
I sort of cringe when I think about all the people who will see these bad boys, but what can I do? this is me. All 188.6lbs of me (psst I’m 5’4”), and as much as I think I fool people around me with my clothes, and cardigans, and sucking in when I can, I know nobody is actually fooled into thinking I’m smaller than I am, so really, I should just hit “publish” and be done with it.
3, 2, 1…
And with that, one day down, twenty nine to go.
Care for a Sunday evening coffee chat? You do? Excellent.
Firstly, are you as shocked as I am that it’s Sunday night already? And are you as shocked as I am at the Bachelor Canada so far? Because whoa on both those accounts.
This past weekend was filled with nothing, and a whole lot of everything - exactly the way I like it. I’m ashamed to say I ate out sooooooooo much, but I caught up with lots of friends & family, and as I get ready to embark on 30 straight days of no alcohol, counting calories, & running twice/week (y’all should see the spreadsheets I’ve got set up) I’m pleased I enjoyed this past weekend.
The weekend started with a beer at my desk (feet up for photo purposes only, ha), as I bid farewell to my work, and frolicked to one of my favourite restaurants in this city, Tabule, to meet a friend (my former running coach!), who I hadn’t seen in ages (fo-shame!). It was such a wonderful catchup, as we spoke about all things marathon running (or our current lack of), our summers,’ and life in general. We also spoke about fleeing out east to run a half marathon next spring, as we both need a goal run to work towards. (I won’t like, it was comforting to know this amazing woman (who has run over 10 full marathons(!), had also taken the summer off.)
I woke up late Saturday morning after a snooze that my Sleep Cycle app rated at a quality of 94% - wahoo! as I rarely hit 80%, and although I’m certain this doesn’t mean much, it put a little (well rested) pep in my step for the rest of the day.
The rest of the day included eight (8 hours!) on the most glorious patio in the world. And by that, I mean my favourite patio in Toronto - Origin. I arrived before friends so I slipped in a chapter (or three) from my current book (Bill Bryson’s Down Under), before eating all the food with two friends. I know, I know, Origin again! But I was lurking Yelp and BlogTo for lunch and patio recommendations, and knew none of them could live up to Origin’s game. And you guys, they delivered. My goodness it was divine. You simply must head there, if you ever find yourself in TeeRonto, mmkay?
By the time night fell, and the moon was out (false. It was threatening rain), I
took a stroll through my favourite neighborhood (where I *really* want to move….) and captured this shot, which I love a lot (see below). The building with the green light on top is my old work building… ahhhh, memories! I once heard that if a photo is a great photo, it needs no editing, and when I enhanced or played with this one, it always looked worst, so… ta-da!
And from the depths of the city, to the far off country, was what happened next. Or, to say it how it was, a bus to my parents, and way-too-short sleep, before I hopped in my mom’s van (I know, so cool) to head to the barn for my riding lesson.
Usually I ride with three other ladies, but today I had a private lesson, and had a great ride (the last few weeks have been a little blah, so it was so nice to finally click again with the horse).
My happy place. And one of my favourite places to take photos. Actually, I just love taking photos in general. Even when I’m not taking photos, I’m seeing a billion photos I could be taking. Ps. Dropbox has literally saved my photo-life, and I’m finally completely caught up on my epic photo organization quest I’ve been on for the past, what? decade.
So yup. There’s a play by play of my weekend. The fun facts, presented with photos for your viewing pleasure. I’d now ask how your weekend was (remember, we’re on a coffee date), and then let you know that this weekend also involved lots of planning!
A trip out east next Spring to run a half marathon. A weekend up north with my parents for a little kayaking camping adventure with my parents to see the autumn colours of Algonquin’s National Park. A 30th birthday trip to LA in December(!) with my mom. We’re thinking we’ll fly into LA, rent a car and drive the coast to San Fran, but we also want to do Yosemite, and head to an American Saddlebred (horse) barn I want to take a lesson from. AND, then an offer came my way to head to India for two weeks in January, which I wasn’t thinking of, but now I am… and ohmygosh, I don’t know. My company (bless its soul) offers “unlimited vacation,” but I’m so busy at work, I know I can’t possibly take more than another week off (I’m at 9 business days off since last Dec so far), so I have to pick n’ choose, and ohmy - I don’t know, but what I do know is I’m heading *somewhere* for my 30th, and I’m super excited.
Also, tomorrow. Tomorrow is Monday and calorie counting kicks off (with a goal of 1,400cal/day). My spreadsheets are set up, and I’ve written a crazy personal letter to myself I can’t bring myself to post, so it’ll keep it tucked away in my drafts, but I’m excited, and pumped, and I’m going to be very strict with myself. I’m allowing myself to eat everything(!), as long as I record the calories, and I’m challenging myself to do it for 30 whole days. NO CHEATING. I know it sounds crazy, but remember when I did the Paleo Challenge for 30 days, and didn’t cheat ONCE. So yup, miracles do happen. Of course, my friends, you’ll be along for the journey whether you like it, or not, so buckle up, and relax, because it’s going to be an excellent ride.
And with that, I shall leave you with my latest “like” on my Tumblr dashboard, because ohmygawd… SO TRUE. And now to all a good night.
Woke up late (literally I’m supposed to be at work in 4 minutes), but feeling thankful for all your kind words, and am now in an exceptionally good mood - ready to try (yet again), and make today count.
~ thank you ❤️ ~
I walked into the elevator today to travel down six floors, and surrounded by strangers on all sides, I stared straight ahead into the mirrored door.
And there, straight ahead of me, was the reflection of a girl I didn’t recognize. Her face was puffy, her cheek bones lost, her hair not washed for far too many days, and in an outfit that was less than ordinary.
I made eye contact with this girl. Stared her down, really. And this stranger, blankly stared right back at me. And there, in that elevator, around the third floor I had this wave of pure sadness sweep over me. What the actual fuck have I done?
I have issues with food. I know this. You know this. The whole world glancing my way knows this. I think about it far too much. Promise tomorrow I’ll conquer the battle. And within 6 months I’ll have won the war. And then it’s always the same. Today is tomorrow. And tomorrow is my deadline.
And now I’m twenty nine, and in certain aspects of my life I feel like I’ve finally got my shit together, finally got a life plan, finally figured out the path I want to take. I am happy in nearly all areas of my life, with the exception of my weight.
Last week I went to dinner with a guy I went on about fifteen dates with (I actually have no idea how many dates, but whatever, that’s not the point), and he told me back on the first date he could tell how self conscious I was about my body. Fuck. My body language, he noted, showed it through and through. This girl doesn’t like the way she looks, he thought, as he watched my awkward arm gestures, purse placements, and sweater adjustments. Holy shit.
I don’t even know where I’m going with this post, or what my plan of action should be. But I do know I have to do something, because it appears that it doesn’t matter how happy I am in my life, whether it be my career, my apartment, friends/family, finances, social outings… because being unhappy with one’s weight is overpowering and trickles into all facets of life. And what I know, and what I believe, is that my life is better not fat. And oh, how I find myself yearning for the days when weight/weight loss was just a slice of the pie that is my life, instead of trickling and perhaps even dominating all the corners of it.
And of course I realize a smaller size or lower weight doesn’t equate to a better, easier, everything-falls-in-your-lap life, but I know the confidence it ensues within me trickles into every moment I live. Big or small, throughout my days, the confidence of looking and feeling good, well, there’s nothing quite like it. From quietly painting my nails on my couch, to tossing on a party dress on in a hurry and running out the door, it’s easier to not be overweight. And simply put, I miss those days.
I miss my old face, and clothes, and confidence. I miss not constantly thinking I look obese. I miss feeling fit, and pretty, and content with who I am. I miss taking photos and not caring about the angel, or seeing a reflection and liking what I see… today, that’s sure not how it is; not even a little bit, well, not even at all.
And as I look around my apartment, at the photos on my walls, of my work laptop I happily took out this evening, at my phone that’s been buzzing with messages all evening from friends and family, it appears to me that the final piece to the game of my life, is my weight. And I’m drowning in desperately wanting to change, but not being able to do so. Wash, rinse, repeat, but how long can this last before… well, I don’t know what, but whatever it is, honestly, it scares me. A lot.
Hi Friends, Family, Toronto-Based Internet!
This is a special post, and something I’ve never done before, but I’m awfully excited about this, and if you’re in the Toronto area, and you and your friends are looking for an *awesome* evening out, come to Project Sunshine’s event, ShineOn!
What’s ShineOn!, you ask? Excellent question. It’s the annual event of Project Sunshine, the charity where I volunteer and sit on the board of.
Project Sunshine is a non-profit organization that provides awesome programs (educational, recreational and social) to children facing medical issues like cancer. Essentially, we host three events a year to raise money for the charity, and then create fun programs for sick children and their families in hospitals. It’s something very near & dear to my heart, and I am inviting each and every one of you to the event this year!
The event’s theme this year is classic fables and fairy tales, and I promise you, it’ll be awesome: candy-apple stations, palm readers, a real enchanted forest, open bar, silent auction, candy stations, hors d’oeuvres, & dancing… to name a few exciting items on the agenda for the evening.
Here are the details:
Shine On! 2014
When: Thursday, October 9th at 8pm
Where: Daniels Spectrum, Toronto (585 Dundas St. East)
Tickets: Tickets are $100, but the early-bird tickets are $85 (Available until September 21st).
Click here to purchase your ticket, and don’t forget to RSVP to our Facebook event!
I’d love to see each of you dressed up (it’s cocktail attire) for a fun evening out, in support of a great cause!
Thanks so much,