Oh hai there little world. This is me. Today. And I AM SO FREAKING SICK. SOMEONE MAKE IT STOP. But in other news, I am having a fantastic hair day and wanted to share.
win some | lose some
looking back on the last few months i think it’s safe to say i wavered in and out of a rut (depression?). it’s easy to see that now. now that things are different. but back then i refused to admit it. or, even see it. i was absolutely okay, and 100% myself when people were around me. everything was normal then. if my roommates were home. matt was over. or i was out with friends, the world was a good, happy place to be in. but when i was alone… when i was alone it was crushing and unforgiving. i’d beat myself up mentally, asking redundant questions, obsessed that this huge move I had made was the wrong decision.
i’d spend hours applying to job after job only to never hear back, or get a visa restriction notification, “sorry. you’re not qualified to work here. thanks.” i’d stay in bed until three. even when. wait, especially when, there were so many life things to do.
at night, when my world back home was waking up, i’d hit refresh a billion times on facebook to watch other people doing things with their lives. i continued to follow along with my favourite blogs feeling like they were accomplishing things and i was not. i felt useless. i felt hopeless. i watched my money fade away. and i felt like a bit of liar to this little blog of mine. (although. i do think it came out a bit in my writing.)
one night i called matt at 3:14am and blurted out ‘i’m going home. i have to go home. now.’ i went on to tell him i acknowledged life shouldn’t be this hard as tears stained my eyes.
on paper everything should have been fine. but the move to melbourne was harder than anything i expected. harder than anything anyone had told me. and suddenly i missed my old, toronto life, and the people who made up my world back home to my bones and back.
i’d also binge eat constantly. gain weight. weigh myself. be depressed. binge eat some more. sometimes i felt like there was nothing else to do anyways, so i didn’t even care.
and then i got a job. a forced routine that should have zapped me out of my situational depression. right? but it didn’t. i still went through the motions of life. fine, and happy, and being awesome (ha) when friends were around, but the moment matt left, or the house got quiet, i felt myself tighten up, and become terrified of the emptiness around me.
there was one night in particular (the nights were always the worst) where i lay in bed and remember mentally composing a suicide note. tears rolling onto my pillow as i lay on my side. not that i would ever do that (e.v.e.r. with all my heart i promise you this, e.v.e.r.), but i was thinking about poetic, drama queen, attention needing, notes, which scared me. a lot.
but this is a good ending post, i also promise you that. which means today i was sitting at my desk, genuinely happy to be me. and realized i hadn’t felt those crappy feelings about life in at least a month and a bit. it happened slowly, without me even noticing, but the depressed-alone-liz exists no more. which begs the question, what changed?
now somewhere in the black hole that is this little blog’s archives, there lays a post which talks about exercise and sleep being the two key variables to a successful life. it’s a short, simple post, but the message is something i think about often. and today while pondering what had changed, i realized it was those exact two things, which pulled me out of my rut (depression?).
“if you’re not tired, you’re productive, and if you exercise you have energy, and thus everything else will fall into place,” i wrote way back when. (i ask you don’t let the lameness of me quoting myself get in the way, because that my friends, is precisely what happened to me.) i started consistently exercising and getting at least eight hours of sleep a night, and everything else started to fall into place.
i have no clue why i’m letting all these words escape my fingers so unfiltered and honestly (and i hope you don’t judge me, as i write so candidly), but in the off chance someone out there is in one of those crappy, slumpy, rut states, i hope this post may act as a guiding light because it’s proof that little changes can truly change your life. i won’t challenge you to go for a walk, or set your alarm for a perfect eight hours of sleep, but know that simple, every day changes, really do ripple through your life, and eventually all that’s left, will be the sun light shining through.
[video]
Before I jump into the photo bomb below (which I can only assume will be tagged with HI-Larious captions (<— lie)), I wanted to first show you the dirty-dirty details of Sunday’s run. Why? well to impress you of course.
So ta-da! Number 1: Check out those continuous hills over the first 15k. Number 2: Be impressed with my rear end for turning into a power engine and getting me through it. I’d say I ran about 85% of the hills going up, and 100% of them going down. I’m energy savvy like that.
Ahh yes, the gorgeous sunrise before the race started. I was all calm and chill and zen at this point. Just looking forward to a pleasant, scenic run. Note how I am obviously at sea level.
Up! Up! And away! The first of oh-so-very-many hills. I was still all naïve and happy at this point.
What goes up, must come down, right? RIGHT?!
The reason I ran - for the views! Note how I am obviously not at sea level anymore.
Matt took the next few photos. When I saw them on the little screen I said, “Oh. I don’t look that fat,” to which he responded annoyed, “shut up, you’re not fat.” (boyfriend award!). But then, well, when I saw them on the big screen… well I still got a ways to go.
I wore all black to feel skinnier. And I’ve been doing crossfit to feel stronger. The crossfit is definitely working - I felt really strong and am looking forward to running AND cross training.
I feel like this is such a cliche tubby-person-struggling photo. The race was 23km. A half marathon is 21.1km. The last 2km felt like 10km.
Totally smiling for the pro-fesh photos, because inside I felt like the below pic.
“STOP TAKING MY PHOTO MATT!!!” <— said right after this
My new prized gem.
^ This guy. I owe this guy huge. HUGE. Matt woke me up at 3:45am. Let me sleep in the car while he drove me to the start 2+ hours away. Dropped me off. Drove to the finish. And waited for me there.
When I was running towards the finish line and saw him, I started crying (oh shut up you, I always cry during races), but I was truly soooo happy to see him, and so thankful for his support. This is him sleeping in the car while we waited for the full marathoners to finish - our car was blocked in. Dear Matt, Thank you so much, Love Your Favourite
—
Okay, I’m done now. no more race talk, I promise!
[video]
Oh. Oh Hello There,
My name is Liz. And I brought a healthy breakfast & lunch to work today.
*as I bow my head and accept the MVP player award*
Breaky: hard boiled eggy | yogurt | apple | banana
Lunch: spinach salad | tuna | can of soup
Now excuse me while I continue WINNING AT LIFE over here.
In an attempt not to be a shady blogger (You know who you are. As I look at myself in the mirror.), I wanted to take a quick moment to update my weight. And you thought I wouldn’t *shaking my head at you. fo-shame.*
On Saturday I weighed in at Weight Watchers, and as I had stated on Friday, I was pretty excited for the weigh-in. I felt like I was in that I’ve-fo-shizzle-lost-weight zone, but (oh, the dreaded ‘but’) I fell flat. To the decimal actually; I was the exact same weight as the week before.
May 19, 2012’s weight: 80kg |176 pounds or 12.5 stones for good measure.
Week’s Change: 0 kg | 0 pounds or 0 stones for good measure
I’ll skip the rant and will simply say yadda-yadda-yadda I hope and pray and wish it truly is muscle (cough I’ve been doing crossfit 4 times/week cough —> HIGH-FIVE!), but because I’m all crazy and obsessed and NEED PROOF of my hard work I asked Matt tonight to measure me. (<— words I NEVER EVER EVER thought I’d say. or do). Anywho. without further hesitation (this freakin’ terrifies me to post… here are my (sexy sexy apple shape, whoa) measurements. Read the inches. Not the cms. That way I look smaller.
——
May 22, 2012
Upper Arm (Middle of left arm’s bicep)
12 inches | 30 cm
Waist (the smallest possible part of my stomach I could find. Matt wouldn’t let me suck in - le sigh)
36 inches | 90 cm
Hips (the biggest part of me possible - love handles/spare tire and everything else included)
43.5 inches |108.75
Thigh (near the top of my left thigh. measuring tape goes over my little mole)
22.5 inches |56.25
Pictured: the free office fruit
Not pictured: the free office chocolate
Melbourne has quite the fall, sorry… autumn. (Taken with instagram)
Gah. I’ve started this post a million times, and keep deleting the nonsense that I type. So. How do I say this? Yesterday’s race was one of my favourite races I’ve ever run, and not because I PR’d (far from it, actually), and not because of the gorgeous views (they were simply an added bonus), but because I simply had fun and was reminded why I run, when, well, I hate running.
It should also be noted that in the last year I’ve fully made the mental switch that running long distances won’t make you lose weight; I believe it’s not possible to consume the required number of calories required to get the energy needed to run a 32k+ (20 miler+) run, and still lose weight.
So this, of course, begs the question, why run do I run when I a) hate it, and b) know it won’t make me skinny?
But the answer is simple, and as those of you who already run will know, there is nothing quite like crossing the finish line of a race. Absolutely nothing. The anticipation. The planning. The moments of doubt being outweighed by the, ‘no, I can do this’ moments. The crowds. The cheers. The claps. The announcer. Seeing the joy when people see their loved ones. The sudden energy you get going down the chute. The moment you stop after you hear your timer beep. The stranger giving you your medal. The calorie free post run meal. The feeling of wanting to drop, ‘i ran a ___ yesterday’ in every conversation you have the next day. Nope, nothing like it at all.
I inspired myself yesterday. Which trust me, I know, sooooooo lame, but really, I did. I reminded myself what I’m capable of, how fun races are, how far I’ve come, and how important never ever giving up is. Because I’ve sure as hell had some binge-eating-staying-in-bed-till-2-not-caring-days, but despite all the crappy days I messed up on (and oh there were many) I kept trying and trying and trying, and what do you know? Yesterday I ran a 23k race just for fun.