The good came with the bad this week. And the bad was, well, bad. I hope I haven’t made Paleo look easy for people, because it hasn’t been. At all. Especially with working Monday to Friday, doing five CrossFit sessions a week, staying up to date on this blog (hi! sorry this post is so late), staying on top of fresh grocery shopping, prepping my breakfasts and lunches each night, trying to get enough sleep, skyping home, all while maintaining some sort of social/love life. Well let’s just say, it’s definitely been a challenge.
The beginning of week 3 was, without a doubt, the week I think my body went into sugar withdrawal - if that’s even a thing. I had afternoons where I would side-eye the office cookies and truly feel something from within me, which could only be described as “my body would feel better if I ate those cookie.” I never ate a cookie.
But the good news is that I certainly fell into a Paleo, real-life routine this past week. Cooking didn’t seem like such a big whoa-ohmigod-what-am-I-going-to-make? chore, which was a nice change from feeling like a slave to my kitchen.
Here are some of the Paleo meals I enjoyed:
And nope, I can honestly say I never once felt deprived while eating a meal.
My exercise was okay… I feel like I’ve hit this lazy level plateau with CrossFit where I never really push myself that hard. I watch others slowly master movements or increase their weights, but I’m always just so meh about my own workouts. Kinda sucks. But still, I can’t be annoyed about the number of times I went this week - 5 times!
I also have to admit my body has been a roller coaster of I-Feel-Great, and I-feel-nauseous. Truth be told, right before The Colo(u)r Run started on Sunday, I was amongst the crowded runners crouching down holding my knees as I felt awful. But every time I’ve felt sick, it’s passed, and it’s definitely becoming less and less frequent. (I assume it’ll soon pass for good). So yea, I know with the bouts of nausea it’s hard to say I felt great during week 3, but when I did feel great, I felt Tony-the-tiger, GRRRRRRRRRRREAT!
And finally, what more is there to say? Oh, right…. my weight. So my weight, eh? I’m going to do a big (HUGE!) post next week when all is said and done, and I’ll post my weight/measurements then. But just know, I’m happy with it. Real happy.
I’m also really happy that I’ve stopped making excuses for myself, stopped saying ‘just this one time,’ and I’m actually putting in the work I need to, to get the results I want.
It’s a weird feeling to feel yourself losing weight.
And no, I don’t mean a grumble in your tummy, or sweat running down your back, but rather with your own two hands. To people who have never needed to lose weight, it’ll be a foreign concept, but it’s truly the strangest thing for your hand to mindlessly brush against a part of your body, and for your brain to trigger, ‘wait, that used to be bigger.’
It’s so easy to trick your eyes into seeing what they want; dress to impress all in black, highlight the smallest part of yourself, good lighting, a flattering jacket, a good mirror… all tricks of the trade. But to actually have your hands feel a difference? just plain awesome. And real. So, so real.
This happened to me twice today; once at work, and once in bed. At work I dropped my pen and my hand swept past my thigh to get it, and the trigger went off. Something was different. That thigh, perhaps only by a millimetre or two, was smaller. Definitely smaller. More defined. And then tonight. 5 minutes ago. As I was drifting off to bed and rolled onto my side, my right hand grazed between my hip bone and ribs, and without question I knew there was less of me there.
Really good day; exercise & food wise. I can literally feel my hard work paying off. And damn, my friends, it feels good.
Last week on my way to work I received an email with a little question that has graced my mind ever since;
“Won’t you find it sad to wake up in 50 years and feel like your whole life was centered on your weight?”
My initial reply (in my head) was “hell yes, and it sucks, and I hate myself for it, and hushhhh you, we shall not speak of such things.” But then yesterday, when I was standing in my steamy hot shower in Melbourne, Australia, and yet again found myself thinking of that reader’s question, it occurred to me that:
Being overweight was probably the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
Being fat has pushed me out of my comfort zone, forced me to form a personality, instead of rely on what I looked like (I truly thought I was hideous until I was 24 [see beginning of blog for proof]) and so I better be funny, witty or something to ensure people liked me.
In high school I remember staring at the popular girls and wishing I could be one, but I never tried to be, and I’m 99.9% certain that had I been skinny, I would have changed who I was to fit in with their too-much-makeup, too-promiscuous, so-not-me group. I would have lost myself.
My mom used to (still sometimes does) say, “I think Lizzie would have come home pregnant had she not been overweight in high school.” And yea, as awful as that is, I actually agree with her. In my younger days I definitely put too much of my self worth on what guys thought about me, and my self-esteem was so low I think had I been skinny I would have been a hot mess trying to get guys to validate they liked me. Awful, but true. (saved by the fat! wa-hoo)
And it was because I was overweight I started this blog. Way back when on February 1, 2009. I don’t think I would have ever slightly thought about blogging just to, well, blog. I blogged to lose weight. I had a reason & a mission. And the whole MSN.ca thing still makes my heart skip a beat, as does this, or this, or this, or this, and they all happened because of my weight.
And running. Nope. Never. Not me. I ran to “lose weight,” not for the love of running, not to meditate, or meet people, or to “run a marathon” one day. I ran because I was overweight. And what do you know? I went from never in my life running, to 17 months later running the Chicago full marathon. And then two more: Las Vegas & Berlin.
And I ran that very first 5k giddy with terror. And when I felt the excitement and adrenaline hit me leading up to the finish line I knew I wanted to do another, and another, and another. And I met people through running. Lots and lots of people. And I would go for brunches, and lunches, and dinners with them. And some of them (cough cough Wasila cough cough) became my role models and good friends, and all because I started to run to “lose weight.”
I hiked to Mt. Everest’s base camp, and made my way slowly from Vietnam down to Indonesia while dipping my toes into the sand of some of the world’s most beautiful beaches. I figured out the importance of family as I booked my flight home for Christmas to surprise my mom (<— warning: link may make you cry), and figured out how little my weight actually mattered, but rather the person I am, and the community I build for myself.
From losing weight, I found the courage to move to a new country (oh hai there Melbourne), and let’s not forget about CrossFit. There is absolutely zip, zero, zilch way I would have ever considered sending that SUPER AWKWARD message to CrossFit had I not wanted to lose weight. Wanting to lose weight oh-so-very desperately was what allowed me to bite the bullet, and walk through those doors. And it was because I was overweight I met Anna, and some of my other good friends in Melbourne. (Not to mention Matt & I met because of this bloggy).
So yea, there’s that.
Now. Now it has to be said that “trying to lose weight” is definitely not a simple chapter in the book that is my life, nope, not at all; it’s actually this underlying theme that runs from about 11 years old, until forever. But the thing is, I don’t mind. Yes, I feel better when I’m in the 150s or lower (currently 170), yes I feel stronger and sexier when my legs don’t jiggle so much, yes I will continue to strive & continue to try and lose weight because I personally feel better that way, but being overweight is nothing I’ll ever regret. It’s helped me gain strength, courage and confidence by tackling experiences and places I looked to as goals. It’s made me a better person, and led me to some of my greatest friendships. So no, I won’t find it “sad,” when I look back on my life 50 years from now (even if I never get there - wherever there is). I’ll be pleased I used a negative to form so many positives, and look at “being overweight” as a true blessing in disguise.
Let’s cut to the chase. Had it not been for the wonderful world of social media, I don’t think I’d have ever heard of ‘The Color Run’. I would never have seen Instagram photos of it, Twitter tweets about excitement for it, or blog posts about fellow bloggers’ experiences from doing it.
So when I heard The Color Run was heading to Melbourne, from what I had seen through social media, I knew I wanted to, nay, had to be a part of it.
The Color Run started in January 2012 and has absolutely taken off. They are now hosting their colourful 5km run/walks in over 40 cities throughout the States, and just launched their Australian tour (hey Australia, sign up! and hey The Color Run - go to Canada!).
Going into The Color Run on Sunday I had little idea of what was about to happen; I knew I’d start out white, and then end up, well, colourful.
And colourful, I did!
Essentially it’s a 5km run/walk course and at every 1km mark, they have a “colour station” you run/walk through. You could see the cloud of colour as you approached each station, and then got to run through the stations as volunteers pumped the “100% natural, safe and food grade quality” powder colour onto participants.
But let’s start at the beginning, shall we? We shall indeed, we shall.
Heidi, Anna and I rocked up to the race early (to ensure we got parking), which meant we had plenty of time to grab breakfast. But sadly for my wannabe-lighter, paleo arse, the only food available was delicious crepes, or breakfast buns. BUT. But because I’m now *that girl*, I ate the egg and bacon, and left the roll. DAMN YOU PALEO, DAMN YOU! But you guys, you can ask Anna, I was THISCLOSE to cheating. THISCLOSE. But didn’t. Wa-freaking-hooo.
And, because we were super early, we were also in the first wave of runners (like, 20 people from the start) which turned out awesome-sauce, because as you could imagine, 12,500 runners took a long (lonnnnng) time to feed through the start.
The actual run itself? Well let’s just say I’m giving the whole “5km (3 miles)” course some serious side-eye. Pretty sure it was only 4km. If that. But still, the race coordinators staggered the participants really well, and I really enjoyed walking/running the Flemington Racecourse (<— where the event was held) while chatting to Anna.
BUT. But without a doubt it’s not the actual run that’s the awesome part of The Color Run, nope, it’s actually the “Finish Festival” afterwards. Once you cross the finish line, each runner is given a colour pack of their own, and then most runners headed to the main stage where a dancing mosh pit is formed. It’s kinda hard to explain, but the coordinators of the event would count down, “3, 2, 1,” and then everyone would open their colour packs at once; it was awesome to watch and be a part of.
I’ll let Matt’s photos do the talking for the rest of the event, but if you get the chance to participate in it, I would highly recommend you do - totally worth $50!
You do not need to run this event. I actually think it’s more colour economical to walk it - you’d get the most bang for your buck then!
As my bloody leg picture shows, I fell within 5 minutes of the start. I blame tiredness and feeling kinda sick for this.
It’s a GREAT family event. I believe kids enter for FREE, which means there were lots of parents with their kids there; thought it was a great activity to do with the little ones.
Matt wins LOTS of points for coming, supporting, and taking photos for me :)
If I were to do it again, I’d 1000% get a group of people together and dress up in a white theme - angels, ballet dancers, or something. I was jealous of the white tu-tus I saw.
As if I haven’t had time to blog lately. FO SHAME. But really, I remember many a weekends in Toronto coming to a close where the mere thought of sitting at a computer hadn’t even crossed my mind; horse riding, swimming, kayaking, running, y’know, suddenly filled all my moments.
And now, my friends, I’m pleased to report Melbourne seriously delivered on this past hot spring weekend; Dinner with Matt (X3), Country Music extravaganza, the hardest CrossFit workout I have ever encountered, anywhere, ever, the beach, city walking, the colo(u)r run, napping, and end scene.
SEEEEEEE? It delivered.
Except not without consequence because as I type this I am sitting on my bed on a Monday at 1pm trying to convince my body it does not need to swallow, as my tonsils and glands and all that fun stuff look like golf balls. <— Good times.
Anywho, let’s go pictures at it, because they’re more fun, aren’t they? (You’re welcome all you lazy readers, youknowwhoyouare, you’re welcome).
First up, was Saturday morning. I slept in, made a delicious paleo pancake breakfast, and then headed to CrossFit. I had no clue what CF had in store for me, and? And it was horrid. So horrid, in fact, I was THISCLOSE to puking the whole time. I managed to complete the 5 rounds in 50:56, doing 18” box jumps, and 3kg/6.6 pound (and 30 5kg/11 pound) wall balls.
But but but, I felt SUPER AWESOME when I finished. My body hurt in the good way, and I felt stronger, skinnier, sexier and all that jazz.
Then, to reward my morning awesomeness, AND because it was hawwwwt out, I headed to dee beach with my roommate, Bec. ‘Twas pretty & glorious, and my oh my am i going to miss having access to the beach when I go home to Canada.
Saturday evening was an early one (cough Colo(u)r Run in the morning cough) so Matt and I headed to dinner in the city, and then he sang me a lullaby as I took awkward photos of myself. Ha. Not really. He’s actually gonna kill me for posting that photo. But he did sing to me. And it was awesome (Sorry Matt, that’s what happens when you date a blogger. xo)
AND THEN ON SUNDAY I DID THE COLOUR RUN, BUT THAT DESERVES ITS OWN POST BECAUSE IT WAS SIMPLY THAT AWESOME AND I’M SORRY I’M NOT SORRY I’M YELLING, BUT I JUST FEEL LIKE ANNOUNCING IT TO THE WORLD!!
This week. My oh my, what can I say about Week 2? It seems to have gone by in the blink of an eye, and? And it’s been easy, hard, and really, really annoying at times, but overall kinda awesome.
The hard: I’m out of the honeymoon phase, that’s for sure. I have had some intense carb & sugar cravings, and for lack of a better word, they’ve SUCKED. I’ve had afternoons where I just wanted to BITE into something (cough bread cough), or just wanted to go buy a treat and feel sugar on my tongue. Jeesh, I feel like a food addict writing this out… OH WAIT. And, of course, my post the other night needs to be mentioned - being social on Paleo is quite possible, but I don’t think I’m there yet. But soon children, soon.
The annoying: Paleo is still a lot of effort. When you get home at 11pm, exhausted from the day, and still have to prep your lunch the next day, it’s just plain frustrating. So many nights I just wanted to fall into bed, but there I stood in my kitchen, cooking my lunch for the next day. I do, however, believe with time I’ll get better at this. As I type this, my chicken and steak kebabs are on the grill getting cooked for my lunch tomorrow.
The easy: The food!! I have yet to get bored from my cooking (& my cooking skills aren’t too stellar). Wa-freaking-hooooo! It’s because I’ve been putting a lot of effort into spicing up my meals. Literally. I’ve learned so much about spices and herbs lately - they can make or break my meals, and make repetitive meals, not-that-repetitive. Thumbs up for curry spice. Also, thumbs up for paleomg.com.
The other: Fruit. I am oh-so-very sadly consuming too much fruit. Or at least I think I am. Granted when I get into one of those, “nom nom nom I just want to bite into something” modes, I will eat fruit, but I think I need to cut down to 2 pieces a day max; at least 5 of the 7 days. Oh, and slowly, but surely I am coming around to the taste of coconut milk, which I think is crucial to the paleo diet.
I’ll let the chart do the talking, but I definitely see why people say NOT to weigh themselves every day. It’s so discouraging when you see that little number go up (even if it’s only 100grams (0.22 pounds)).
Please note that I’m weighing myself everyday more to record the stats for a graph at the end, than anything else.
Weight summary: down 7 pounds (3.2kg) in 14 days. My clothes are 100% fitting looser too - I ran for my train today and had to hold up my jeans. Yay!
I GOT MY FIRST EVER DOUBLE-UNDER THIS WEEK!!!! What’s a “double under,” you ask? It’s when you are jump-rope skipping and let the rope go under your feet twice on one jump. They’re all about rhythm and good wrists, and both of mine suck. I was thrilled when I got one!
The below was my CrossFit week:
So, is it sustainable?
That’s the big question, isn’t it? From seeing paleo change many lives permanently (through blogs and my friends at CrossFit), I would say it is 100% possible to incorporate paleo as a lifestyle.
But for me? It’ll definitely take time. I am on the whole (really!!) enjoying it, but I have also stayed very on top of things… I know eventually life would get in the way and it’ll come down to mind over convenience (as it always does with weight loss). So for now I know this: I like the food paleo offers, I have never felt deprived on this “diet,” I’m losing weight, feeling healthy & happy, and leading a better life all around, so it’s a win-win-win situation. So much so, I think I may extend this “challenge” until the New Year, wanna do it with me? We shall see, we shall see :)
Lunch today with the lovely Miss Katie on this hot-hot SPRING day. Excited to see what the the weather this summer brings.
I woke up this morning in a fairly bitter mood. (As my replies to asshole comments will prove. But whatever. It’s my blog. I can do that)
Anywho. Then I decided I needed to go grocery shopping with it being Sunday and all. And so I went into the dungeon that is my archives to find an old Paleo Breakfast Casserole Recipe. And? And I got inspired. Inspired by myself. (Hussh you. That’s right, I’m still cool, I’m still cool.) I felt motivation from seeing my old success. And probably for the first time in nearly 4 years of blogging I understood why people read my words. Huh. I think that’s good.
I NEVER go into my archives. Scary stuff back there. But one thing lead to another and I just kept clicking on things and saw how much effort I put in, and my ups & downs, and how boring life sometimes was, but ultimately how I broke through it and lost weight and was happy.
Anyways. I am in a better mood now. It’s sunny out. I am going grocery shopping. A BBQ tonight. And am ready to live life and feel inspired that I can do this again.
times like… i’m not sure whether to say ‘being overweight,’ or ‘being on a diet,’ (i suppose i mean both) that suck.
i should be in a bar right now; wearing a dress. high heels. with my hair neatly curled. i should have a drink in my hand. be slightly tipsy (i don’t do the smashed thing anymore. thankyouverymuch growing up). i should have matt next to me on a crowded patio. laughing at this. or that. and meeting new people. and hoping the next song is a good one.
i should be living my life.
but here i am. 12:23am. and three episodes of the vampire diaries (do. not. judge) in. all alone, horizontal, in my bed.
because i can’t drink on paleo. god. that makes me sound like an alcoholic, or something. because yes, i know. one can go to a bar sober and have fun. but i didn’t want to deal with the, ‘why aren’t you drinking?’ questions. i just couldn’t be bothered to explain. y’know?
despite having lost a little weight the past two weeks i still felt fat today. i still don’t fit most of my clothes. i still had no idea what i’d wear. i still felt like matt’s friends would have whispered in each others ears, ‘but she’s fat? why her?’ and,
because it just sucks.
to be on a diet and all.
an hour ago i was punishing myself by saying i ‘deserve’ this. it was me who ate all that food. me who made myself fat. i chose this. so to shut up. stop winging. and accept it.
but i know. that’s ridiculous. i’m just feeling self conscious. that’s all.
my ultimate goal with the paleo challenge will be to drop down to 80-20; this strict-paleo business is just for now. it’s to teach me; to let me see it works. to get me to learn about what’s involved. the cooking, the prepping, the behind the scenes. it’s to ensure i understand what works for my body, and what doesn’t.
and i know that, i do. i know this is just a super-strict phase i’m in, not real life, and it’ll get easier; easier so that when random, birthday nights like tonight roll around it’ll be okay to enjoy. it’ll be okay to not worry. it’ll be okay to just have fun.
and i know that in the long run this is will be worth it. i know that i’d prefer to be a smaller dress size six months from now, as apposed to enjoying a few drinks tonight, i know this was the right thing.
but still, it’s hard. as i lay here alone on a saturday night. constantly thinking that i’m missing out on life because of food.
It happens but once a week, and I have to admit, I’m really damn excited about this. But usually when Thursday rolls around I have a “to do” list up to my hoo-ha: laundry, clean, tidy, vacuum, grocery shop, paint nails, wax legs, catch up on sleep, kiss boyfriend, call home, or do this, or that
Usually I don’t even notice my ‘Rest Day’ is, well, a rest day.
But today is different. Why? Because as I type this my bedroom is tidy, neat, and vacuumed, my clothes are washed, folded and in their respective places. My groceries are sitting in Tupperware containers in the fridge all neatly chopped up. My nails are painted. Hair straightened. And legs are silky smooth (Matt, you’re welcome). And. And I am completely caught up on sleep (been awesome at it lately: at least 8.5 hours/night. Thankyouverymuch).
Yup, I am completely and utterly on top of my life. It’s weird. This rarely happens. Actually, it never happens. It wasn’t even a conscious decision to get stuff done this week, it just, kinda, happened. And I completely credit this to eating healthy.
If I eat healthy I just live a better life. I feel better about myself and am more willing to accomplish things. I want to put that extra bit of effort into shaving my legs, straightening my hair, painting my nails. I don’t mind doing my laundry, tidying my room, and going for a walk (I’d otherwise avoid) to get groceries.
So yup. Tonight I literally have NOTHING to do and plan on thoroughly enjoying the evening. I’m thinking of taking a stroll to the stores, perhaps a new pair of (cheap) flats as a reward for doing paleo so well? And then a little Homeland action (I am behind. This will not do!), a steak dinner at home with the boyfriend, and in bed by 10 to count sheep and unicorns.
Today is day 11 of Paleo, and, you guys, I’m kinda loving it.
3 Simple Health Points I learned this week from Paleo
Omega 3 / Fish Oil
I remember my old personal trainer going on, and on about Omega 3. Yadda yadda yadda, I didn’t really care. I don’t really know what it is, I’m not a pill popper anyways, and the thought of consuming fish oil simply grossed me out. But then this week I started reading. And reading. And reading some more. And as it turns out my trainer may have been onto something (woops, my bad).
Without getting too complicated, it’s something that nearly everybody needs to supplement. Why? Because way back when, when the world was right & good and animals actually ate grass & plants (not grains), people naturally got omega3 through meat, but that aint the case any more, which means people need to get their omega 3 through a little pill (or so the Internet says).
So if I take it, what will the fish oil pill do for me? Excellent question my friend. Mr. Internet has informed me it’s pretty much good for all parts of me, but notably it helps prevent cardiovascular disease, improves my brain functions and is great for my joints (it helps prevent excessive muscle breakdown). My BFFs at crossfit (hi Anna! hi Ian!) have informed me if there is one, single supplement I should take, it should be this one. So I’m gonna do it! I’ll report back in a few months to see if if I think anything changes… I’m still kinda skeptical on all things in pill form, and think it may just end up being a placebo effect, but time will tell.
2. Coconut Oil
Firstly, remember that time I went to Cuba, Dominican and/or Aruba and passed on all things coconut (including pina-coladas)? Because yes sir, you are correct, I really don’t like the taste of coconut, so before I jump into point numero duo, please know that coconut oil does not taste like coconut, it’s just another form of oil #fact.
ANYWHO, each and every paleo resource will tell you to switch to ‘coconut oil.’ Once again, my limited knowledge of everything made me give this idea some serious side-eye. I mean, c’mon: coconut oil = saturated fat = heart problems = dead. Right? WRONG. Because as it turns out cholesterol “serves as a structural component for cells thus making it one of the important building blocks for new tissue.” (source) From my research online, and to put it in simple terms for like minded peeps, saturated fat + sugar = BAD, saturated fat + No sugar = GOOD
Hence, the coconut oil = your oil on the paleo diet. Makes sense, right? I weirdly find this added motivation not to cheat on any sugar because I am consuming A LOT of coconut oil and don’t want to die (ha!). But really, I’ve been using it in everything and really enjoy it.
This is a quick, oh-so-very simple point. But, umm, so, you guys. SUGAR IS IN EVERYTHING. The Sunday night before my paleo challenge I strolled through my kitchen to take a gander into my pantry hoping to remove all non-paleo items. I thought I did… FAIL. After researching sugar a little bit, and actually reading labels it turns out a missed a million things:
My TUNA had sugar in it
My SOUP had sugar in it
Ketchup has LOTS in it (I obvs already knew this, but it’s a lot)
Most of my salad dressings have it in
Canned vegetables definitely have sugar in it.
~ Please note that I am not a doctor, nutritionist, or anything like that! I’m just a Curious George who is still learning when it comes to the points like the ones above. Please leave a comment to correct me, or add any information you might find useful. Thanks! :) ~
171 is the number of pounds I weighed this morning 46 is the number of pounds I’d have to lose to be 125 21 is the number of pounds I’d be happy & content losing 165 is the number I’d have to weigh to get my clothes back 147 is the lowest I’ve ever weighed (that was in Nepal) 203 was the highest the scale has read (it made me cry) 16 is the number on the jeans I’m wearing (they were $17, score!) 43 is the percentage of fat I’m made up of (eww) 10 is the is the number of days I’ve now completed perfect-paleo 1 is the number of coconut oil jars I consumed in one week (seriously, it’s amazing) 2 is the number of times I’ve cut my hair in the past year. 3.2 is my “go to” number (have you noticed?) 5 is the number of countries I’ve lived in (South Africa, New Zealand, UK, Canada & Aus) 27 is the number of countries I’ve visited (I think) 27 is also the number of years I’ve been alive (go me!) 2 is the number of siblings I have (hi Catherine! hi Chris!) 56, 601 is the number of Tumblr follows I have (thank you so, so much) 3.83 is the number of years I’ve been blogging (but that doesn’t include my old life blog before) 3,409 is the number of blog posts I’ve made 3 is the number of full marathons I’ve run (Chicago, Las Vegas & Berlin) 4 is the number of kids I’d love to have (but I’d settle for 3) 9,788 is the number of times I check my instagram a day (Just kidding, not really) 8.5 is the number of months I’ve been with Matt 40 is the number of days until Christmas (<- I can’t click that link, it’ll make me too sad) 116 is the number of Crossfit WOD (workout of the days) I would have completed since May 100 is the kgs (220 pounds) I can deadlift 8.5 is the number of hours I slept last night (3rd night in a row!) 14 is the number of hours I’m ahead of Toronto (16 with daylight savings times) 288 is the number of days I’ve lived in Melbourne (that’s 9 months and 14 days) And 138 is the number of days until I’ll be back home (give or take a few)
Short of the amputation diet, I have tried nearly every diet known to chubby folk; high-protein, low-carbs, no-carbs, slim-fast, atkins, south-beach, Weight-Watchers, paleo, gluten-Free, dairy-free, Jenny-Craig, Dr.-B., cabbage-diet, & Eat-Clean-Diet. Whoa.
Right out the gate I’ve been unsuccessful with some, and then quite successful with others, which I think is what’s scaring me about my current paleo phase. I’ve been here before. I’ve been perfect. I’ve followed the instructions. I’ve listened to others. I’ve read forums. Asked questions. And followed the steps. I’ve committed my mind. I’ve got excited. I’ve lay in bed at night and thought, “this is it!” I’ve walked past a 7-11 and was grossed out by the food in it. And I’ve been in the place where I can feel myself staring at unhealthy food in a “how did I once eat that?” type of way.
And then I’ve lost that feeling.
And I’ve walked into that same 7-11 and bought two chocolate bars & a slurpee. I’ve ordered a burger with fries, then not eaten half the bun… thinking it was still healthy. I’ve woken up day after day, month after month, and vowed I would lose weight that day. Vowed I would be good. Promised myself that that day was different; it never was.
I’ve been on both sides of the motivation fence. I’ve had it. And I’ve lost it. And I’ve spent months trying to find it. And of course it doesn’t matter much about what diet I actually do (although I will say, Paleo seems to be the healthiest for my body), I will lose weight if decide, if I commit, if I stop half-assing the process and if I actually, without a doubt, believe I can do it.
So right now? right now my mind is 110% in this paleo challenge. More than I can describe. I’ve done 9 days of perfect paleo and without a doubt I believe I will not cheat in the next month. I got this. Really, I do. But I still find it scary. Scary how from experience I know how easily my mind can change. How one slip up, is all it takes, and how far & easy it is to fall, when you’re sitting up on your healthy high horse.
Every other time I’ve lost weight I’ve been so naive to believe it wouldn’t get hard, so stupid to think a week, a fortnight, a month had changed me. Weight loss is hard, and it’s continuous, and it’s a fight pretty much until I die (I’ve resigned to the fact I’ll always battle my weight), but…
But this time around? I’m aware. I’m older, and truly wiser, and am not looking for a diet, but rather a lifestyle change (I was told to do paleo strict for 30 days to learn about it, then after that find a system to adjust to 80-20 - which I plan to do). Every day I wake up and know I have to continue to motivate myself and work hard at this, and I know that by being quite restrictive, and doing paleo it’s not the answer to my weight loss problems, but rather a tool. To learn better habits, to try and understand the benefits of why some food is awesome for me, and others are nutritionally void. This time around I’m really educating myself on the why, and I’m remembering my past; what’s worked, how easily I can suddenly change, how easily I can be ‘in it,’ and how quickly that can change. This time around I’m not naive anymore, and this time around I feel like I’ve learned from my mistakes and am ready to do this properly. Finally.
Monday: Wahoo! Day 1 of Paleo. This is exciting. I am a prepping all-star. Go me.I am awesome. Self high-five.
Tuesday: Still excited. Seems fairly easy. Wait.. easy, but work. Yay for Paleo! Today is a public holiday; big test, but passed quite easily. Key may be to always have paleo food ready to grab (hard boiled egg, nuts etc.) and tell everyone I know.
Wednesday: Okay, okay. I feel like I’m dating my kitchen, but it’s cool. It’s cool. Still rocking the challenge. Head still in a great place. Actually trust myself. Know I will not cheat.
Thursday: Easy… wait… ohmigod I want something… hmmm… to bite into. Hmm burger. Hmm fries. No Liz, no! You got this. Can see how this challenge has potential to get REALLY hard…
Friday: At 3pm I want to eat all the sugar in the world; pleased my work doesn’t have vending machines. Mind still in a good place, but definitely feeling a real sugar/carb/bad-food craving. Scared about the weekend…
Saturday: Crossfit ninja + brunch with crossfit people = still feeling motivated to stay on track and not mess this up. I’ve come so far. Super duper proud of myself. At 7pm a HUGE, MASSIVE, OHGOODLORD migraine hit me. I wondered if it was from the lack of Coke Zero/caffeine/sugar?
Sunday: As if I made it to day 7! And so it starts again, must prep food. I spent a good 1/2 hour planning out my meals for Week 2 and went to the market feeling motivated. Also, went to the beach with Matt and felt bad we couldn’t get ice-cream together. Or something. Anything. He was hungry. Dinner out was hard too, hmm the smell of other people’s french-fries. Too much Fruit. Must cut back.
It works. Without a moment’s hesitation, Paleo works. Eating meat & veggies can get boring very quickly, but I’ve already found that coconut milk is the best thing ever (oh hai there delicious chicken curry I had for lunch today), and a way to fool my mind into thinking I’m eating carbs.
It’s easy, but very time consuming. However, I can see how if I stuck with it, over time I’d refine my system. I learned a lot of things this past week (like what to buy less of/more of), and that I need to prep even more than I’m doing (ie. actually cook the chicken/meat).
I also learned that paleo cooking is fairly simple (with little mess!), so I can actually attempt lots of recipes.
I’ve also found doing paleo this week has forced me to listen to my hunger. Why am I thinking of the cookies or chips or whatever when I AM SO FULL?! Weight loss and eating is all in my head (but we all already knew this, didn’t we?)
The Dirty Deets / Stats
I debated sharing this because I’m worried it’s more of a “hit the ground running” weight loss, but nonetheless, it’s awesome, and I am proud (see chart below)
Also, I got my first, “I think you look smaller” comment and I did a cartwheel on the road. Not really, but I did do one in my head. AND. My pants (especially these pants from NYC) fit a lot looser.
Paleo is a ”no portion diet.” Which yes, my friends, means that each and every piece of paleo food is limitless. Ba. Ba-hahahah. Last week I gave the whole “no portion” thing some serious side-eye. I mean, c’mon, I can eat two avocados easily in one sitting, and bacon on e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g.? Good God yes please! And we all know how HIGH those foods are in calories. But nonetheless I listened to the advice I got, and ate what I wanted, when I wanted, and get this, it turns out it’s pretty much physically impossible to over-consume a calorie quantity of food on Paleo.
So what am I saying? Paleo maximizes your calories and really gets you the best bang for your buck; you stock up on foods that will fill you up (natural carbs, high fat, high protein food) that keep you content for hours.
Which means… my theory of, “a calorie is a calorie is a calorie,” and “it’s impossible to gain weight if your intake is higher than your outtake” stands it good form. Note: people still argue me on this.
Second note: these are all my views, from my experience, remember that :)
Paleo is expensive. The first week (above) cost me $120. But I believe (hope) that that was simply initial start up costs. I will keep you posted on this as I’m tracking the money side and plan on doing a a summary at the end of the month.
So, how do I feel?
Good. Better. The same? I will say that usually when I do five crossfit sessions a week I am POOPED on the Saturday, but this past Saturday (despite coming last by a lot) I felt really good - not tired, but like I could still push myself.
Other than that, not a huge change. TMI: I’m going poop like a ninja, but I believe that’s good. Will keep you updated if I magically get lots of energy and feel great.
Also, I know I look like a complete baller with the below chart, but know that CrossFit = my friends = I want to go. Apparently that is the key to exercise.
Performance wise? I found no difference. Hopefully this will change.
Plan for next week
To continue with the challenge (duh), but try to refine my system. I need to prep more food so I’m not in the kitchen every night, and learn more quick, “go to” recipes. I also think this coming week is going to be the “I REALLY WANT SUGAR & CARBS” week, so I’ll need to buck up and fight my way through that.
I’m also hoping to research more about Paleo - benefits of certain food, and create a list of resources for myself.
I met Katie on my first day of work. She was the twenty-something girl sitting at the computer next me; instantly I designated her my, “go to for help,” person.
I remember at around 10am asking her a simple question. She didn’t say much, but was nice while she stated the answer. Around 2pm I overheard her make an appointment with a doctor.
Nosy me, as most people do, wondered what that was for, but didn’t think too much of it, a cold? a regular check up? just getting the pill? who knew.
That was the first, and last day I saw Katie for a while. She was in and out of the office over the next few weeks, and through the work grapevine I heard she was sick, very sick, but the doctors didn’t know what was wrong with her.
But luckily, over the next month, I got to slowly know “work, professional Katie,” and instantly liked her. Her sarcasm, wit, and humour made me walk into the office each morning and stand on my tip toes from the door to see if she was at her desk. When she wasn’t, I’d send her a quick text telling her I simply hoped she was hungover, and to make sure she was okay. She never was.
And then one morning, as I was sipping my morning coffee, my boss told me Katie had been diagnosed the night before with Multiple Sclerosis (MS). A few months shy of her thirtieth birthday, and after having never been sick before, Katie had MS. The news took my breath away. I hardly knew this girl next to me, but I wanted to yell at God for her. That seemed so unfair. Not right. I didn’t know what to do.
Despite her high spirits on the phone, and her amazing attitude of, “I’m just pleased the doctors now know what it is,” I felt numb all day. Hell, for that week. My limited view on MS wasn’t good; to me it meant wheel chairs, pain, and dare I say worse?
But now, after two months off work, Katie is back to being my regular desk buddy, and has become so much more than just a “work friend,” or as I call her, my “work wife.” Her sarcasm, humour & wit leaves me with tears in my eyes many days, and our boss is convinced we can’t go anywhere without the other (true story). She is certainly someone I believe I’ll stay in close contact with for years to come, and overall she is someone who has taught me so much about what exactly MS is, and dealing with the cards you’re dealt. She’s put my life & ‘issues’ (oh hi there weight loss) into great perspective, and is a perfect example of shit happens, it sucks, but you figure it out, and life is still good.
I’ll let you read Katie’s personal and honest journey over at her blog, I’m Not Drunk… Wait; I encourage you to follow along & start at the beginning of her story. You’ll a) get a sense of her awesomeness, b) learn about MS (she presents it for dummies like me), and c) get a glimpse into a real life story about someone who went from being a totally fine, wine-drinking, stretchy-pants wearing, “ball breaker,” with the “face of an angel, but mouth of a trucker,” to going blind in one eye (that 1st day we met) and suddenly being diagnosed with a life changing disease.
Ohhhh, and! Katie is also (because it’s all I yabber on about at work) doing Paleo, after some investigative work she learned that eating paleo is one of the best things you can do for yourself if you have MS.
Soccer Mom. (Minus the Kids. Psssh. Minor Details)
I felt like a soccer mom tonight. Except… minus the kids and minus the soccer (I gotta admit sometimes I’m so busy I have no clue how mothers embrace the chaos. And (confession) sometimes I think I’ll epically fail as a mom as I love sleep too much, am too selfish for it, and at the end of the day procrastinate and am way too lazy to constantly entertain little minds… huh. So there’s that. As I really do want them someday.
ANYWHO (whoa. that was a total side-track)
Today I actually felt VERY overwhelmed from this whole paleo thing. I stuck to it perfectly again (high-five!), but around 2pm today I definitely felt a desire for a cold, delicious coke, or treat, or big burger to bite into. I have a feeling the next few days are going to get harder and harder (eeek, so scared about the weekend) before I break into the “normal” mode. I do, however, trust myself, but I’m still nervous as I really want to make sure I learn a lot from doing this challenge, and create habits that last (despite me currently doing three things on this list of what-not-do-to. yikes).
Today was this:
8:30 - 5:00 - Work 5:30 - 6:30 - Crossfit (crazy, hard, awesome, WOD - see below) 7:00 - 8:30 - Met a friend from Canada for dinner (stuck to paleo. Boo yea!) 8:30 - 8:45 - Grocery Shopping (UGH. Paleo is SOOO expensive) 8:45 - 8:46 - Feeling flustered from my “to-do” list, I opened my bedroom door to find my full mirror (this one!) had fallen to the ground and shattered everywhere. E.v.e.r.y.w.h.e.r.e. I stood there for at least a full minute processing how pretty, dangerous, and awful this was. 8:46 - 9:02 - Cleaned & vacuumed my room like a ninja 9:02 - 9:07 - Laundry sorted into machine 9:07 - 9:20 - Shower. Cleanse. Ponder life. Stand in shower and see how hot I can get the water without it burning my skin 9:20 - 9:45 - Bake this delicious paleo blueberry crumble. Haley commented on my blog earlier today, at the exact moment I was searching the web for a recipe - thank you! 9:45 - 10:15 - Prepare (paleo) breakfast & lunch tomorrow. 10:15 - 10:20 - Switch laundry over 11:00 -11:20 - Waste. Time. On. Internet. And. Respond. To. Emails. 11:20 - now - BLOG. Debate if I should watch The Vampire Diaries… no! it’s too late Liz! SLEEP! 11:30pm- 7:07am - Be fast asleep and dreaming of galloping through a meadow on a unicorn over a rainbow with John Mayer singing to me from the clouds.
Clockwise: Crossfit’s WOD / me being all sweaty and weird / Melbourne / Matt & me (this pic has nothing to do with this post, but I miss him right now, that’s all).
Clockwise: Tomorrow’s breakfast (2 eggs, mashed banana, cinnamon, natural sweetner: cook like a pancake - recipe also thanks to Haley | Blueberry Crumble for tomorrow’s morning tea | Roasted veggies (for tomorrow’s lunch) | Tonight’s dinner! So paleo and so delicious.
Oh hi there. Didn’t see you over there sitting at your screen. Welcome. The above creepy, self portrait, is me, myself, and I in the ladies washroom. OH THE THINGS I DO FOR THIS BLOG. Anywho…
I am totally in the honeymoon phase of this diet. I wake up each morning and actually don’t mind getting out of bed because that means I get to weigh myself. I know, I know, I shouldn’t weigh myself at all, but I do, and it’s motivating and I find helps me lose weight.
I feel like I’m dating my kitchen. I’ve spent so much time in there this week, it’s ridiculous. I know I prepped my food like a crazy-lady Sunday night, but I still feel like I’m constantly preparing my meals
I think this paleo challenge of mine will come down to mentally learning, “I AM FULL. WHY AM I EVEN THINKING ABOUT THAT CUPCAKE?” because since I started on Monday morning I’ve not gone hungry once, but still find myself day dreaming of the office cookies even when I don’t really want one.
I have never in my entire life done something (diet wise) 110%. So far I’ve done Paleo 110%. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, I liked diets because they give me structure. Because I personally find it’s easier to know I am absolutely “not allowed” something, as apposed to, “well maybe, I can just have one.”
Matt has been very supportive, which has been awesome-sauce. He’s also trying to lose weight, but lost 3kg (7 pounds) simply by cutting out McDonalds - men!
Eating out is fairly easy on paleo - but you must be willing to spend extra money. I’m meeting an old friend (from school in Canada!) tonight for dinner and chose the place based on, “they have paleo food!”
I found the comments on my “Taking on the Paleo" post amusing. Obviously the term, "eat like a caveman" should be taken with a grain of salt. I’ll keep my 21st century pleasures thankyouverymuch (Dear Internet, Mama Bear loves you)
You HAVE to be creative on paleo. I stand and stare at my fridge for 3.2 million years trying to decide what to make - as already on day 4, “veggies and meat” doesn’t sound appealing.
Also, I can’t believe how much I used to eat BEFORE I even got to my actual meal – like, while preparing the meal I would sneak a piece of this, or that.
The Paleo resources out there are unreal. This a great site. Or this. And this. Or this! And what’s that? You have one? Leave a comment! Leave a comment (especially recipe resources palease)
I saw a nutritionist yesterday (sidenote; &. real talk; On my way there I officially had my all-time worst, ‘need-a-toilet-right-now’ story. How am I twenty seven and searching for a bush in suburbia Australia? GAH #thathappened). ANYWHO, the nutritionist ran some tests (I’ll post my results - because, y’know, I’m cool like that), and get this - my stats (f \ 5’4” \ 27 \ small framed) means my ideal weight is, ready? 55kg!!!! Umm, so that’s 121 pounds. ONE TWENTY ONE. She was adamant I had a *very* small bone structure - hence the small number. (Spoiler alert: that will never ever happen)
I am blood type A and therefore do not digest red meat well - all signs (aka blood type) point to, “you’re supposed to be a vegetarian.” Ba. Bahhahahaha.
Also. HOW INTERESTING IS THIS. LOOK AT THIS BULLET POINT IF YOU’RE A LAZY READER AND ARE ONLY GOING TO CHOOSE ONE: The nutritionist confirmed that it’s impossible to lose weight if your intake is too high… even on paleo. SOOOOO, a calorie is a calorie is a calorie. BUT. I’ve also been tracking my paleo calories (thankyouverymuch My Fitness Pal) and no one day has yet has to exceed 1,500 calories and that’s me eating A LOT of food. So yea. Cool life. No matter what, you just gotta reduce the calories you eat if you wanna shed the pounds.
Bacon is delicious. As are roasted brussel sprouts.
Did you know I have a new life plan? It’s bittersweet, but I am excited; I’ll be back in The Toronto next April – SAY WHAT?! But I am all sorts of ready for this despite being nine hundred million percent I’ll cry all the tears when I leave.
And speaking of running, I am doing The Colour Run later this month – *insert happy jig here* - I am excited!
And speaking of exercise, I have been a crossfit machine lately. Although, not quite. I’m paranoid about getting HUGE (manly men) muscles, and thus have opted to maintain my current weights and go for cardio (more rounds). No clue if this is a good idea, but manly-muscle – be gone! (And yadda ydadda yadda, I know it’s “impossible” for girls to become big, bulk, crossfit, machines - BUT LOOK!)
Okay. This was random is, as random does. I’m sorry I’m not sorry. (I’m really sorry)
A quick post to say something simple. Today was my second absolutely perfect day of eating paleo. I know it’s only been two measly days in the grand scheme of this challenge, but I can’t even tell you how good it feels to not have cheated. To have passed on the fries in the middle of the table. Not ‘stolen’ a piece of my roommate’s cheese platter, or the other roommates’ doritos. To have not added an extra this, or an extra that to any of my meals.
I know this is lame, but I’m really impressed with myself for being so good today and yesterday. It’s so nice to go to bed and feel on track, to have accomplished something you set out that morning to do, to lay in bed and feel hopeful about reaching a goal in the future.
It’s nice to feel excited again, and to believe maybe, just maybe I can do this, and do it well.
I’ve been nervous to write this post for some time. Nervous because I can assume what it must be like to read my story; my story of inconsistency. Of ups. And downs. And I’m feeling awesome. And now I’m not. To read, “today I’ll start Weight Watchers!” Only to watch it fade. Or to see me declare “Operation Skinny Jeans.” Only to never hear of it again.
But I suppose that’s who I am. Someone who consistently tries. And consistently fails. But tries again and again and again, in the hopes that one day, just maybe, it’ll work. One day I’ll figure it out. One day I’ll wake up and see how I chipped away at myself (in the weight sense) from consistently trying and trying and trying again.
And so on Monday, this Monday, November 5th, I am starting a strict Paleo challenge. Just me, myself and I. It wasn’t a light-hearted decision – I’ve been sitting on this idea for months now, hearing success stories, & seeing the results with my own two eyes from people at my CrossFit, or through stalking people like Karla on Tumblr.
I’ve told my crossfit. I’ve told my friends. I’ve told Matt & my roommates. I’ve told the girls at work. And now I’m telling my blog; this Monday, I am going to challenge myself. And this time around, I’m determined to do it, and do it properly.
It’s not quite a full 30-day challenge, more of a 27 day challenge because my 28th birthday falls on December 3rd. So that’s my deadline; my birthday. I want to lose a few pounds before then, and prove to myself I can do this. I want to wake up on my 28th feeling all va-va-voom! I want to wake up and be a happy, healthy me, not a sad, depressed, “ohmigod I weighed 20+ pounds less last year this time me.”
So, now for the dirty deets:
What is Paleo?
On paper Paleo is an easy “diet” (I don’t like calling it a diet). It’s essentially the Eat-Like-A-Caveman way of eating. (Paleo comes from words Paleolithic Era -> caveman era). Pretty much you can eat everything a caveman had access to, and nothing they didn’t.
Eat real food – meat, fish, eggs, tons of vegetables, some fruit, and plenty of good fats. Eat foods with very few ingredients, all pronounceable ingredients, or better yet, no ingredients listed at all because they’re natural and unprocessed. (Full shopping list here)
DO NOT EAT (you just know the below list will be all the delicious things in life)
Processed foods. This includes protein shakes, pre-packaged snacks/meals, protein bars, milk substitutes, sweeteners (OMIGOD WHAT ABOUT MY COFFEE?), etc.
Alcohol, in any form.
Grains. This includes (but is not limited to) wheat, rye, barley, millet, oats, corn, rice, sprouted grains and all of those gluten-free pseudo-grains like quinoa. This also includes all the ways we add wheat, corn and rice into our foods in the form of bran, germ, starch and so on. Again, read your labels.
Legumes. This includes beans (black, kidney, lima, etc.), peas, lentils, and peanuts or peanut butter. This also includes all forms of soy.
Dairy. This includes all cow, goat or sheep’s milk, cream, butter, cheese, yogurt, ice cream, etc.
Potatoes. It’s arbitrary, but they are carbohydrate-dense and nutrient poor, and also a nightshade.
In Short: Meat + Veggies + Right Fats + Some fruits = healthy Liz
Why did I chose Paleo?
Because I’ve seen it works. Like 100% works. I’ve always been sceptical of Paleo because it is a no “portions diet” and I’ve always believed, “a calorie is a calorie is a calorie.” Sure, there are ways to optimize a day’s worth of calories, but I’ve always believed 3,000 calories a day of celery or 3,000 a day of chocolate is the same.
I’m still side-eying this theory, so during this month I’ll also be tracking my calories on My Fitness Pal in the beginning to try and ensure I’m under 2,000 a day. (Note: Even 2,000 calories/day scares me!)
Also, in all my years of trying to lose weight (I swear I’ve tried everything!) I’ve never given up sugar. Paleo makes you give up sugar. I think the first week is going to be HARD, but I really need to cut back on my sugar, and this will help :)
The Ultimate Goal
I’d love to lose 4 or 5 pounds by my birthday and be in the 160s! But the ultimate goal will be to lose inches off my stomach (I need to fit into my hiking pants by January!)
I’m also going to be really strict for the first month. The ultimate goal after my birthday (Dec 3) when the challenge ends will be to maintain Paleo 80/20 and introduce it as a lifestyle change.
I also want to learn about Paleo, and see with my own two eyes how it’s about WHAT I eat, not how much.
Oh hai there. Yes. That’s right. A nutritionist is involved. Praise the good Lord people out there who were always on my case for this. I’ll be meeting the nutritionist every Wednesday throughout the challenge. She’ll also be taking full measurements, weight, and body fat before & after the challenge and helping me when need be. (Obvs I’ll post my stats)
Operation FIT-HIKING-PANTS-STAT. I’m heading to New Zealand in February to hike-hike-hike, and I need/want/am determined to fit my hiking pants.
Right now (as you can see) I can hardly walk in them.
Matt also took good, proper, before photos of me holding up today’s date with a bikini (shudder) on. Hopefully one day I’ll have a great after photo to go with them.
Also, eating out isn’t too scary either (steak & veg? yes please) but I’m a little worried about the weekends and boredom. This Tuesday (Melbourne Cup Day = Public Holiday) will be a great test for me.
My Shopping List
Questions, comments, concerns?
Would love to hear anyone’s thoughts on my eating plan - or hear great recipes, or advice for snacks! As you can see I’m not too creative in that category.
moods are a funny thing. you can be walking along, rocking life, not a care in the world, and then bamn. something changes. and you change.
i was feeling pretty good about myself today. i even snuck into the disabled washroom at work to snap a photo of my waistline. i had a plan to blog that photo, with a caption along the lines of, ‘these pantaloons are feeling looser these days,’ but never got around to the post as work was too busy.
then after work i went shopping.
i went on a mission to find a simple, classy, black dress. and then four hours & about thirty dresses later i cried. there’s no way to say it, but i hated my body tonight. i was so frustrated with myself, so annoyed at what i’ve let myself become.
dress after dress. store after store. nothing fit. i even had a ‘f*ck it’ moment and decided to make my budget whatever it needed to be to get this awful experience over with. but still; nothing.
i was devastated.
i know it’s taboo to write and say stuff like this, but being overweight sucks. not fitting into regular stores’ sizes in the absolute worst. you see a dress you like; awesome, yay; only to find that store doesn’t carry that size. but then wait. three phone calls later. that company doesn’t even make your size.
i tried so hard tonight. to find anything. just a black dress. something that would make me blend in. nothing special. and even with low standards, nothing worked.
when i was in the changeroom at myers (like macy’s) i was a huge b*tch to myself. i forced myself to stare into my own eyes in the mirror (i hate doing that) and see what a failure i was. i was standing in my underwear and felt tears stain my eyes as i saw the body i owned.
and here i was, at yet another event, another event i had sworn, and crossed my heart i would lose weight for, but nope, once again, still nothing.
being overweight is so awful.
and now the horse races are on saturday & i still don’t have a dress. wahooo. so there’s that.