Anyone who has ever been over weight, and tried to lose weight, knows that carrying extra weight is a constant mental battle. Self promises and wishes constantly being broken, and then the constant self hate that follows. But good news friends, from my experience, as the weight comes off and/or you get older, the constant mental battles, which consume your soul, aren’t full-on wars anymore, and become less and less frequent (woot! woot!).
To be honest, I haven’t actually had a, “what the fuck is wrong with me?" moment in a while, until today, that is, when I was reminded of how negative my thoughts can become in an instant, and constant self-hate can so easily full up my head.
Today, at the 25k (15.5 mile) mark, on a 29k (18 mile) run, nature called, annoying, but part of life. As there was only 4k (2.5 miles) to go, I didn’t hesitate to quickly leave my running group, find a washroom, and run the last little bit alone; what was 4 simple kilometers after 25 anyways?
Before the washroom I was feeling great, strong, as good as anyone could feel at kilometer 25 of 29. I was surrounded by 15 or 20 fellow 4h 30min marathon pace group runners, and we were all right on pace. But then natured called, and I suddenly found myself alone.
**run, run, run, glance at watch,** omigod this is sooo hard. it’s taking ages. i’m so hot and tired. this sucks **walk walk walk** no, Liz, no. you lazy ass, keep running, you’ve just run for 3+ hours easily and you can’t run a mere 4k? lazy fool **run run, walk, stop, pace myself to make sure I hit the red light… ** you’re so screwed on your marathon. you’re going to fail, you’re so lazy, you’re totally fine, but walking. L-A-Z-Y GIRL, no wonder you’re fat, you can’t even run for a mere 4km…
It took me forever and a half to run those last 4km alone, with some intense talking myself into not cheating and just heading back home, and listening to my constant self-evil thoughts.
The last part of today’s run made me absolutely terrified for my marathon.
I run all my long runs in large groups. When I’m surrounded by people watching me, I’m not lazy, it’s no problem, I even get to the point where I’m chatting away with someone after 23+k, but when I’m alone? it’s a whole different story, and the marathon? the marathon I will run alone. It frustrates me sooooo much that I’m physically capable, but not mentally strong enough. That’s what killed me on the Chicago and Las Vegas marathon; being alone, knowing nobody was watching. When I’m alone if I walk or run, it doesn’t seem to matter…
I like to think acknowledging and realizing this is taking huge strides in and of itself, because I can now try and fix it (I have a 30k race on Aug 21 I’m going to run alone as a test), and I suppose that’s the only thing that I can really do right now…. to try and grow stronger mentally (I know, I know, cue the lame-bells. but whatever, this is an actual problem and fear I have).
Today was also the first time I was feeding myself those “you’re shit, you’re lazy, you’re nothing," thoughts and actually REALIZED I was doing it, whereas other times I just listened to myself ((oh God, I sound like a crazy person talking to myself… but ya get what I mean… I hope.)) and then actually believed I was "shit, lazy, nothing etc." which is rather really stupid, when you think about it. But today! today was
good great because at the end of the run, I was all like, WTF?! Why wasn’t I ENCOURAGING myself with awesome words, such as, “you are fucking phenomenal, keep going, you can do this, you sexy vixen, you!” words?!? Exactly.
The 29k next week better watch out, as I plan on littering the run with corny, thoughts about how awesome I am. :)