Had you asked me two years ago if I would ever have a blog I would have responded, ‘hell no,’ and meant it.
I was never a blogger. I had no interest in reading blogs and most definitely not in writing one. Weren’t blogs just used by weird, Internet type hipster folks? I remember the day my sister emailed me a link to a blog, with a quick note telling me to read it, as I’d “love it.”
She asked me that night on the phone if I had read it, and I mumbled something about being too busy, because again.. umm really? Me, read a blog? I don’t think so…
It took over a month and severe bordem for me to actually click on the link and read it, and my God I read it.
I went back to the very beginning and fell in love with the girl behind my screen. I followed her for over two years, every day going to her blog and reading about her life. I felt like I knew her, hell I felt like we were best friends.
I read about her work, dating, her friends, her relationship with food, her love of all things Greek, I watched her grow as a person and eventually meet the man she ended up marrying, all while she had no idea who I was. I was a silent reader, never commenting, just logging on once a day to read (in her amazing writing style) her thoughts on the world and her life.
Her blog got me through many days at work and I swore to myself if I ever got into publishing I’d contact her to turn that blog into a book (ya, it was that good), but then she stopped blogging.
And oh what a sad day that was. She stopped blogging because of the emails and comments she started receiving. I didn’t understand that; why would she let those mean people affect her so much? Her blog was incredible, she was incredible, and more to the point, why would those people bother emailing her? Why wouldn’t they just stop reading.
I was so sad to see that blog leave the Internet world, and it was not until recently that I understood why she did it. A stranger’s words can be more powerful than a friend’s. It doesn’t matter how much you try not to be affected, but the mere fact someone took the time to write you something mean really hurts.
I’ll reiterate my thoughts on reading blogs you find boring or stupid - just don’t read them. Isn’t that simple? I personally think that’s simple. I suppose it comes down to that horrible thing built into humans where we start hoping unfortunate things upon people who are succeeding. (I’ve done it too, we all do it, it’s called: schadenfreude)
Anywho, with that, and after the stream of comments that have come in today, I’m deactivating comments.
And to the people who say fabulous things, thank you, you’re fabulous.
I spent hours searching the Internets trying to figure out how to block an IP address from this blog, if I could make this blog private, or even password protect it, but everything failed. I eventually changed the title of one-twenty-five to fabulous125 (this may be temporary) all because I found out Boy-Roommate reads this blog. Secretly. He’s been secretly reading it for a few months now.
I switched the blog’s name, I set up the coding to watch his IP address hit it (as he only reads it from his parent’s house, and he went up there for dinner tonight) and boom, like clockworks it hit it (one-twenty-five). It took everything I had not to drop to his level and post a simple message of “Boy-Roommate, what would you do if you knew I read your blog?” or some cheesy thing like that. But I didn’t.
I can see IP addresses searching for me (I suppose the people who don’t follow me on tumblr) and I want to scream to them where my new home is, but can’t.
I also realized how sad it is, that I went to such great lengths to hide this blog. This is who I am. Me, myself, and I. I shouldn’t be embarrassed about that, but I am. My God, I am. People have messaged me to stand up for who I am, and be proud of this journey I’m on, to be proud of everything I’ve accomplished and not let people who look down on this blog or me, get in the way, but it’s hard, like really hard.
I find that people either understand my blog (or being over weight), or they don’t. I get that. People who don’t obsess over food would look at somebody like me and think I’m insane, and to a point, I guess I am with the amount of time I devote to thinking about food, trying to lose weight, and yet continuing to indulge.
I am fully embarrassed by this blog, my thoughts, and my weight; more so this weekend than any other weekend in my life. That can be traced back to a party I was at on Friday night where I asked a friend to pass me the chips, and Boy-Roommate looked and me, slightly shook his head and laughed.
That was from him reading the blog.
I had never felt like such a failure in my life. I hope you now understand why I changed the title. I ‘hate’ him for reading it (I think he snooped on my computer to find it), but there is nothing I can do now, but just keep trying.
Where did you come up with your goal weight? I think it's too low, yes it would be so great to be that skinny but really is this realistic?? I too have always had weight issues, and now that I've tipped back up the scale, I look back at my lowest weight, 150 and think it was a perfect size for me! Not super skinny but happy and confident.
Ahh yes, the “your goal weight is too low” comment (btw way Carrie, I’m using your comment to knock off a bunch, so this isn’t directed at you).
Firstly, it’s not too low. See ALL health websites and doctors EVERYWHERE. That being said, is it realistic? Nope, but as I’ve said lots of times on this blog, if I hit 140 and look good, I’d be happy with that. It’s all about being comfortable in a bathing suit and sitting (I think).
Have you tried other forms of exercise? If not is running the only thing you enjoy?
OMIGOSH BOYS READ MY BLOG?
In the last few fays THREE guys have asked me questions. Yes! Finally, I’m tapping into the other 50% of my target market: Awesome-Tubster-People-or-people-who-want-to-be-skinny-or-skinny-people-who-like-reading-about-wannabe-skinny-people.
So… the answer? Not really. I’ve done elliptical, I’ve done gym classes, played utlimate frisbee, but I find nothing is as good of a work out than running, except for swimming, but I don’t have a pool. I like running, I do, just wish my knees didn’t hate it.
I really wish you had a better self image because sometimes your posts and complaints about yourself is so ridiculous that I wonder if you're worth following. Mainly your complaints about your non existent "thunder thighs" and that stupid thing about your roll when you sit down. If someone judges you because of 1 roll you have when you sit down then they are a piece of shit and should die in a fire. Have a beautiful day.
Amazing comment; I laughed. I cried. I gasped.
Point taken. Have a wonderful day too, and ps, I don’t think I’m hard on myself, sometimes I joke around, and when I say things like ‘thunder thighs’ it’s because I think that, but now you’re probably going to unfollow me, because technically again, I’m staying I have thunder thighs. I donno…. I feel awkward now, so I’m going to move onto the next question.
I hope your day is filled with kittens and sunshine and pss. I’ll try and stop, because I get a fair # of comments like this.
OK I'm curious... I've been an Apple person since my college newspaper days and you'd have to pry my Macbook from my cold, lifeless fingers. What is it that you don't like about the operating system? To each her own and I totally don't judge, but I'm just wondering!
O.k, o.k o.k…. and here we go!
No Paint. And their paint equivalent sucks balls,
NO BACKWARDS DELETE BUTTON. OMIGOD WHY MAC? WHY?
When I go to upload a photo onto a website (such as this blog), it takes about two days for the “browse” button to actually find the new photos - if that makes sense, not sure how to explain it.
As I type in text boxes, such as on facebook, and I write more than the box, the box doesn’t grow with the words, so I can’t see what I’m typing
Navigating folders is confusing
It’s super hard to print the screen. 3 buttons needed? Palease
I GOT A VIRUS! And I swear I don’t look at naughty things… I have no clue how. It was my 2nd day with it. WTF.
I can’t open more than one Internet at a time. I’m only allowed more than 1 tab
Picassa sucks on it
Uploading photos to facebook sucks on it
The RAINBOW-SCROLLY-WHEEL THINGY OMIGOD THIS THING SUCKS
I could go on, but yes. I way prefer PC, (I suppose if I’m being honest I like the mouse tricks, and how it looks, how light it is, and its battery life.
So, I may not have been paying enough attention before, but why do you have to work when everyone else gets to slack off and stay home?
Also, what are your plans for the weekend? (Maybe this'll keep you busy, no?)
Oh yes, yes. It’s because the top 20 leaders of the world are having a dance off in Toronto Thursday - Sunday. And by ‘dance off’ I mean very serious meetings (G20 Summit), hence if you are located anywhere in this area, it’s been evacuated to ensure no protesters or terrorists interrupt their dancing.
I work and live in those areas (stalkers you didn’t see that, kay?) hence my work made me come in today (because I trade stocks - hence someone always has to be here) because I’m the only one who doesn’t drive in, and traffic has been insane.
You: Hey E, what’s going on? Anything new with you, on your quiet day at work?
E: Oh, you know, just the usual… convincing myself I do not need a snack on this Friday afternoon, watching the clock like a hawk (2 hours, 20 minutes left and counting ps), playing around in paint, had a referendum with my people (ie myself), and decided my new favourite colour for the summer is yellow, creeped the entire of Christian Siriano’s website and decided if I needed a red carpet dress, I’d ask him to make it for me (this is assuming, of course I magically get famous), I also looked into applications for The Bachelorette (conceited much?) but for reals, wouldn’t an ex-fatty be a good idea? AND that be super awesome motivation to get HOT, ha! I kid, I got distracted with reading the bios of the current guys on the show. I also then decided to make up an imaginary person out there asking me what I was doing, to kill some time by making a boring post.
Excellent. Mission accomplsihed. Now? 2 hours and 17 minutes.
Oh what’s that? You don’t… well I suppose if I didn’t live and work right within the security zone, I too, wouldn’t know (or care). But let-me-tell-you, Toronto is currently 3 cops to every person and is filled with protesters waiting to voice their thoughts (or so I’ve read, yet to actually see any).
The entire city/financial district also pretty much got today and tomorrow off, which is super awesome, right? But oh wait, everyone except for me. I just went down to the food court to get sweet, sweet, oil-for-my-veins coffee and I saw 6 people. SIX PEOPLE!!
It’s completely dead at work slash in the financial district, yet here I am, sitting away cracking codes (lie), saving the world (2nd lie), and simply being awesome (this is actually very true).
6 hours and 7 minutes to go before the gym tonight and then a delicious dinner while catching up on TV, as it occurred to me last night I haven’t watched any tv in over a week (whoooooaaaaaa).
Ps The old (phase I) me would definitely snack my weigh (tehehehe, see what I did there?) through today, but the new me (phase II me) has decided to consume exactly 1,100 calories today, so sadly(?) no snacking - just dress searching on the Internets and biting my nails (lie, I don’t bite my nails).
Go to a place where I don’t have to post my weight anymore, or make posts about anything for that matter.
It doesn’t mean anything that I swore I would post my stats every week. It doesn’t matter that I’m an apparent ‘weight loss blog.’ None of it matters, why? because I have the power. I can just hit that little button on my screen. Delete. And then boom! just like that, this whole blog sphere I share my life with will be gone.
I just haven’t been feeling blogging lately.I find it’s getting old. Repetitive. Boring. Did you know it’s officially been a year since I’ve lost any weight? One year. The glass half empty? failure. The glass half full? failure.
I’ve found the narcissism on my blog has caught up to me. Who cares what I bought today? How I wore it? Where I went? Or yes, and what I weigh?
I’ve really thought about taking a blog vacay for a while now, just not blogging anymore with the exception of an ‘i’m not dead’ post (I’m considerate like that), BUT that would seriously be taking the easy way out for me, as I fear I would give up on myself… actually, I know I would.
By accidentally/purposely forgetting to post my weight each week, it doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. ‘It’ being the weight gain, or even the weight maintenance. Not mentioning the ice-cream I ate, the huge bag of chips I ate in one sitting, or the 6 fudgsiles in a row I consumed does not mean they’re not seeping through my blood as I type this.
Deleting this blog and walking away won’t stop my constant weight battle with myself, but I just find this blog is now getting old, weary…. boring.
Posting about sugar, and spice, and everything nice doesn’t make being over weight o.k (my current BMI = obese and I tried on a size 16 dress today - it was hard to do up), it doesn’t mean I’m happy, and it certainly doesn’t mean I’m happy being my size.
Because I’m not. And for the first time in my life I feel like I’ve exhausted all my resources, including this blog.
It’s been embedded in me since I was a little girl, it was the rule I never dared to break, something that terrified me to think of, something that just wasn’t an option…
It was that I, E, under no circumstances, could ever say I was injured.
It didn’t matter how much my foot, leg, arm, or stomach hurt, if I was in gym class, playing frisbee with friends, playing rugby with my extra curricular team, I could not say I was injured, no matter the pain I felt, it just wasn’t an option, I just had to stick it out.
Why such a ridiculous(?) thought? Well, perhaps because…
Fat girl in gym class gets an “injury,” thus fat girl gets to sit on her ass and watch, because fat girl isn’t injured, fat girl is just lazy.
Yup, my entire life I have had no doubt that, that’s exactly what people would think if I said I was injured and couldn’t participate in something, thus? no matter the pain, quitting was not an option. Not even a little bit, not even at all.
Well, recently the pain has got so bad in my left leg from running that my stubborn, girl-who-doesn’t-want-to-be-perceived-as-lazy has resurfaced, and we’ve got into some intense arguments.
Which has lead to quite the conundrum.
Well, it was… until last night. I ran an “easy tempo 6k,” except easy turned into holy-shit-I-think-my-left-leg-may-shatter, hence, (and this greatly hurts me to say…) I’m going to be forced to take some time off running. Sit a few runs out, Heal. Get better.
It still scares me to tell people this, as omigosh what if they think I’m lying? and am just lazy? But my Big Girl Self (yes, I’m 25 years old thankyouverymuch) has to step up, and do the right thing, which I shaln’t lie, sucks.
So yes, I’m taking a small break from running, and all I can say is I promise y’all it aint because I’m lazy, it’s because I’m actually, legitimately injured.
I ate a lot today. Emphasis on ‘a lot.’ I don’t even know why, actually, as I was eating i was asking myself why? But could never answer it. I got to the point where I felt physically sick, yet I just. kept. eating.
This used to be a common thing for me, but it hasn’t happened to in while (a few months). As pathetic as this sounds I think it may stem from being alone. Sad, I know. I”m just constantly reminded of this as everyone I know has someone, and I still don’t, and all signs are pointing to never will.
I also wanted so badly to throw up what I’d eaten today, quickly erase my mistake, but I told myself if I did, I’d have to post it, so I didn’t. It’s been hours and I still feel full. Still.
Binging will do that to you.
I’ve reached my midway weight and I’ve completely settled. I’m o.k with how I look, but not happy. And apparently ‘o.k’ is good enough for me. When I looked in the mirror a year ago, I hated what I saw, which made it easier to find motivation. Now, at the half way mark I seem to have just accepted the fact I can’t lose the last 40 pounds, even though I really want to.
I felt so fat today I didn’t leave my place. I couldn’t leave my place. I was invited to three different things tonight, and all three I turned down out of the fear of being the fattest person at the bar. I thought about running, but ate instead. I thought about clothes, but ate instead. I thought about guys, but ate instead. I thought about life, but ate instead.
Something has to change. I can feel myself falling into a rut again, that’s probably why I haven’t blogged much lately either. I don’t know what to say, I don’t know how to tell you I just can’t stop eating.
So, as you can see, something has to change. I just don’t know what…
I’m running 13k in 6 hours with my Marathon Group and then horse riding the rest of the day. It’s 2:21am and I need sleep, but can’t because I’m too busy thinking and wishing I was skinny, while knowing I’m not strong enough right now to change.