it was weird. i just walked home. 8 minutes. that’s all it took. no one. not one of them would walk me home. know i’d be safe? they didn’t care? because i’m fat? i dont know. but none of them walked me home.
so there i was. walking the 8 minute trip home. cutting through a parking lot…
it was white, the car was white. 5 guys. jocks. they were walking towards it. i froze. i donno how to describe it. a shudder went through my body; suck in. stand tall. pretend to be thin.
they approached their car. i waited for the insults. “what a fatty!” “hey fatty, want some food?” ect. i waited. I sucked in deeper. and then i heard it,
"she’s fucking hot"
I stopped. I looked. I smiled to myself. I realized how stupid i was.i continued the now 7 minute walk home
In other news tonight consisted/consists of the gym, shower, healthy dinner, Olympics, and now? Now I’m about to start season 1, episode 1 of True Blood while painting my nails and curling my hair in anticipation for what is sure to be a ridiculously, awesome weekend.
And because of my not-so-smart-idea of giving up the scale for Lent, I DON’T KNOW MY WEIGHT AND OMIGOSH IT’S DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!!
My prediction? Oh how kind of you to ask, my prediction would be I’m probably the same OR I GAINED WEIGHT. Definitely something to be said for weighing yourself each, and every day tp keep yourself on track.
I NEED to get my ass in gear this week; gym and food wise. I tend to have amazing eating days up until about 9pm, and then BOOM I eat a lot of crap (pointless apples, yogurt, popcorn ect.)
07:43am I couldn’t sleep last night. I was thinking too much. Annoying. Not necessarily about this guy, but just my life in general with guys. How I always manage to play my cards wrong, I don’t seem to learn from my mistakes. It’s becoming painfully apparent I will die alone.
2:18pm Huge sigh released. Followed by, “this is my life”
5:27pm Still No response. Doubting everything about him. About us. Looking down and seeing my fat just seems to solidify why I haven’t heard from him. He promised… I’m nervous. I don’t want to be used. I don’t want to be that girl that believed. Believed when it was all lies.
7:34am Concluding I’m an idiot. Deleted Boy’s # from my phone. I’m done chasing. I want to be chased.
8:48am Surprisingly good. Realized that that Boy, nor any other boy, defines me. I am who I want to be (just with more jiggle than I’d like, but let’s not dwell on the details folks, becuse I’m still awesome, right? RIGHT?!).
A self-indulgent list of things that are good in my life...
Why? Oh perhaps because the lost(oh dear, I’ve been watching too much Lost) last few days have been… umm…. rough. Yes, rough is a general term. I’ll go with ‘rough.’
My health. I can run if I want to. Granted I often opt out of not running, but the point is if and when I want? I can.
My hair. I like my hair. It does what I say and stays.
My apartment. Located perfectly in the middle of my group of friends, sunset and lakeviews, a full grocery store an elevator ride away, and I can walk to work.
My eyebrows. I never touch them. I keep them as they grow.
20 days until daylight savings.
My bed sheets. I washed them today, which means tonight’s sleep? Perfection.
My sister and her beau and her ring.
My mom. Always a phone call away.
Lost. Brilliant. I also now have the first season of True Blood waiting for me.
My makeup collection.
My nail polish collection.
My job. It’s stable, no fear of losing it. I like that.
Bright mittens and hats, knitted by my mother.
Dresses. Patterned dresses.
Gah. this list just ended up being superficial and cliche. All I can say is boys (for lack of a better word…) suck. And if you, yes you out there reading this are married or in a good relationship, hold the person tight. Tight because the single world out there is a battle field, with stray bullets going off in all directions… how do I know this? Because I was just hit.
So far today I’ve set a personal best and world record for being lazy. I kid you not. My ‘to do’ list today is impressive, yet I’ve been sitting in the same spot now for three hours laptop on knees, remote in hand, blanket surrounding me.
Must fight the laziness.
To do today:
See Shutter Island with friends (4pm)
Watch Us-Canadian hockey game (7:30pm)
Catch up on fb messages/emails
As I have NO motivation, I fear nothing will get accomplished today except lounging, eating and creeping. Sigh, the day in the life of…
I wanted to make this post yesterday, but for the life of me couldn’t think of anything to give up for Lent.
I considered the usual things: facebook, pop, candy, chocolate, cake, cupcakes, chipped nail polish, eating out, cursing, red meat, all meat, TV, alcohol, caffeine, lattes, clothes shopping, and even useless Internet browsing, but just couldn’t really think of anything I felt drawn to. Until now.
Lent 2010 I will be giving up… drum roll please… TUMBLR, ok, I kid, I kid… as if, so… 2nd drum roll please…. The Scale.
Whoa. What. Wait?
You: Arrr! Haul in the gangplank me hearties! But that don’t make sense to me, how do you suppose you’ll measure yee blubber, with chains? Me: Yes Sir! Well, not quite chains, but just with clothes, my eyes, people’s compliments. You: Umm arrrrr! (you’re a pirate btw, just in case you hadn’t realized) that doesn’t make sense matey. Me: Here’s the thing. The Scale OWNS me. My moods, my posts, my life is determined by those 3 digits between my toes. I get out of bed to weigh myself. I strip down to being naked-as-the-day-i-was-born and weigh myself, I come home from work and weigh myself. During commercials I run into my washroom and weigh myself. After I pee and… well ya… obvy I weigh myself then.
I’m addicted and it’s terrible.
So I decided to see if I can live without knowing my weight. It’s going to be hard. For 40 days, and 40 nights (fine 39, but let’s not dwell on the fine print) I will not step foot on a scale.
I currently weigh 163.0 pounds. On April 4th (Easter Sunday) the goal is to weigh 150 pounds. That’s very doable.
39 days. 936 Hours. 56,160 Minutes. 3,369,600 Seconds from now I will either way 150 pounds or I will not.
I will be the only person responsible for the outcome. Will food defeat me? Will I win and conquer? Stay tuned…
I am off to make my lunch for tomorrow. Bed by 11? I hope so.
So whats the dealio? Do you want your questions here or on the one-twenty-five-ask ?
Hope things are going well for you. You are real and tell is like it is, regardless of what others think of you, and I admire that! =)
And you, Miss Jessica, are my final question!! And what a perfect question to end my epic-journey-of-essay-questions from the last few days with!
Right now my questions are 100% deactivated. Sorreeee. But I sincerely wanted to say THANK YOU SO VERY, VERY MUCH to everybody who asked me something and took interest in my what-I’ve-always-assumed-to-be-my-VERY-boring-life (umm I’m writing this from a corner CUBICLE people!), so it was much appreciated. Every question was so exciting to read. Knowing people cared. So thank you :)
Once I find the time I’ll be moving all the questions on 125 over to this site, and I’ll reactivate questions on the other site (just have to remember to check this time!).
Like everyone else, I absolutely heart your blog. I'm a professional writer/editor and I can't get over how honest you are (even while anonymous)...I hope to one day be as brave with my writing.
Anyway, I recently started blogging to lose weight as well. I was going to see if you would be up for a friendly challenge of seeing who can lose the most weight--healthfully, of course--in 12 weeks. The "loser" would have to buy the winner new jeans or a gift certificate or something. (Wouldn't that be fun?)
But, since you're doing so well on your own and seem like you're in such a groove, I was thinking you would probably pass. If you're not interested, would you post this on your blog and see if any other readers would be interested? I think having a group of people to compete with would be great motivation to skip that dessert or make time for that run, no? I need it anyway! I would ask some friends, but sadly, all my girls are skinny...beeyatchs. Plus, I would DIE if they knew how much I weighed.
Let me know what you think...
THANK YOU!! For the wonderful writing compliment. If you think I’m honest on my blog, y’all should read my diary. Oh good Lord, actually you shouldn’t, you’d all shy away from me then, knowing all my dark, little secrets… scary stuff. hehe.
And sadly I don’t do well at competion, never have, and probably never well. As soon as I fall behind (and let’s be honest now, considering my love affair with food, this is sure to happen in the near future) I know as soon as I fall behind I’ll throw in the towl, BUT, I do think it’s a fabulous idea. So…
If anyone is interested, please get in contact with other E :) Good luck to you all! I’ll be watching!!
Girl... even skinny girls use that excuse. Even skinny girls look for flaws to blame for the shitty circumstances surrounding unrequited love. I think it has more to do with loving yourself truly, regardless of your weight.
You speak the truth, I know that. It’s just hard to imagine not blaming my weight for failure… I wonder what I will end up blaming instead? Or maybe, just maybe, by then I’ll have the confidence to flip the person a bird, hold my head up high and strut away… I can only hope :)
Steel cut oats can be found at Trader Joe's! I'm not sure who else has them, I just came across them there after reading about them. I also have bookmarked this link for a good recipe: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/12/08/health/nutrition/08recipehealth.html?_r=1
I'm fairly certain it's been edited since I last read it, because the author originally mentioned that just making them in the microwave like the box says is not so tasty. I haven't tried it yet, but I'm going to!
Sigh, if only Canada had Trader Joe’s stores, but unfortunately we don’t. BOOO. I’ve actually never even heard of it, but a quick google tells me it looks awesome.
OhMyGosh E! You have an adorable accent! I didn't really imagine you to have an accent, but this shows what little I know about Canada. I mean, I've only been there once ...and it was Niagra Falls for a dance competition in eighth grade....so maybe that doesn't even count.
So now I think I need to plan a trip to Canada just to meet boys with accents!
Ah you’re too cute (ps I really enjoy your blog). Isn’t it funny how when you read someone’s blog you imagine them just the way you perceive them, and then when you hear/see them on video you realize you had it all wrong? Well, at least I know that happens to me when I watch videos.
Sadly my accent is quite mixed, and random and weird and I’m not too sure Canadians vary in accent that much from the States. I WISH our Canadian men had sexy, lumberjack accents, sigh.
And yes! If you ever visit the Great White North, let me know! :)
I really appreciate your blog, so thank you. You always take the time to answer people's questions, even if you've answered them a thousand times before! I just wondered if you have any tips for dressing for your shape, as you seem accomplished at it! I carry weight around my middle, my whole top half is really broad, my legs are thinner-ish.. is this similar to you? I find I can wear fairly structured dresses but i have no idea how to wear skirts and trousers with my shape! Do you have any advice?
I love your blog. Good luck with your continuing weight 'shedding' - you're apparently meant to call it that so you don't put weight back on after you've shed it.. 'losing' makes it sound like something your body needs to find again hahaha!!!
Thank you for liking my questions… but sadly(?) about 5 minutes after I got your message I deactivated my questions. Yup, I’m sorry guys, but I couldn’t keep up and I felt like the questions were taking over 125 a little (but Thank you!! to everyone who asked! I really appreciated you taking the time to ask me questions and putting trust into my answers (whether that was smart of you or not is up for debate though :).
Anywho, if you’ve submitted a question I’ll answer it, but for now, no more questions. Just regular blogging. Although please note I respond to emails!! (firstname.lastname@example.org) It may take me a couple days, but I will! Brownie promise.
So… dressing for your shape, eh? excuse me while I rotate in the mirror in ah of losing 5 pounds simply from my clothing. Yup, that’s right, this is one topic I feel fairly confident in. As i feel I actually do understand how to dimish the lard to the untrained eye.
Sadly our body types aren’t really the same, I do carry most of my weight on my belly, but I definitely have my fair share of it all over - imagine I’m wearing a couple of onesie snow suits, then ya got me. Just plump all around.
The thing I find works best for hiding my spare tire is layers! Yup, I pretty much ALWAYS layer. Exhibit A. I find it lengthens my torso and gives the allusion I’m longer and leaner than I really am.
Dark jeans (but that’s a given) and clothes that fit!! Anything too big adds pounds. I also wear a lot of clothes that look decent when I stand up, and craptacular when I sit down (hello rolls, how are you doing?), so to avoid the ghastly sitting-rolls I wear lots of open cardigans to cover my sides.
In regards to work clothes, I find high-waisted skirts are heavenly for hiding my baby-less bump, as are long wrap sweaters. I try to stay away from 5”+ heels with really skinny heels, as I find they make me look like I’m balancing (hence I love wedges).
Excuse me while I have a self indulgent moment here, but to date, the best article of clothing I’ve ever found for my body type was my NYE dress (see here), at least I think so.
Sometimes, and I really, really mean sometimes I don’t mind being overweight.
I know what you’re thinking, and no, no I will not get the f*ck out, and ps you shouldn’t swear, it’s unclassy.
So… why would I ever say something so shocking? Well… how do I put this delicately? Being over weight is like walking around with one massive excuse FOR EVERYTHING, and ya know what? sometimes it’s really comforting.
Why didn’t I get the job? Oh duh, because I’m fat Why didn’t those girls want to be my friend? Oh right, I won’t fit in… I’m tubby. Why wasn’t I invited to the party? Oh of course… the lard Why wouldn’t the bouncer let us into da club? Eff, he must have seen me. When my friends talk about their respective other half’s, and I’m feeling lonely? Well come on E, have ya seen yourself? Exactly.
And the absolute #1 reason why being weight is comforting? I have an excuse when a boy doesn’t like me. Don’t you see? said boy obviously doesn’t like me…
I’m overweight, it makes sense, can’t say I really blame him, he’d like me if I was skinny, I’m sure of it, then I’d be beautiful. It’s all quite obvious. And End Scene.
And that my friends is how my brain works: boy not like me? Oh right, I’m fat. Makes Sense. Move on.
But here’s the thing, I’m so terrified of reaching my goal weight, reaching that magic number of one hundred and twenty five pounds, and holy shit, what’s this? I still didn’t get the job, those girls still don’t like me, I wasn’t invited to the party and that boy still wants nothing to do with me. But…. but I’m skinny now. I don’t understand. OMGIOD I HAVE NO EXCUSE.
What if he still doesn’t like me once I’m skinny? What then? I don’t know what I’ll do, where I’ll turn, or how I’ll live… I’m scared to lose the weight, and I hate that.
I LOVED your vid and It's so awesome that you had the courage to post that - I wish I could do that! I've always wanted to do one of those youtube weight loss diaries, but I was way too chicken shit. & I know you get this all the time, but you really are inspiring! I love how honest you are in everything you write, and I agree with you 100%: pink plaid will never go out of style in my book. :) Keep being awesome!
Thank you so much! Posting the video is up there with one of the scariest things I’ve ever done. EVER. Including posting the photo of my belly bulge earlier this month. I’m pleased it was received well.
I’ll update The Pink Plaid (swoon) shirt over the next few months, and throw a party (well, I guess a tumblr part-ay) once I fit into it! Woot woot! Can’t wait!
Thank you for being inspired and encouraging me! Much appreciated :)
Your first video (of many, I hope) was precious! I have to admit your accent had me smiling. Time for the question; are you ready? Since it's hard not to notice how stylish you are, do you have a favorite garment? Shoe? Accessory?
Wow, me stylish? God, that’s so fantastic to hear. I struggle with style and fashion, mostly because I’m always trying to hide this curve or that, and am thus limited to awesome items.
I must admit that that pink, plaid shirt I LOVE, but my favourite current piece of clothing (it changes every month or so) is my blue/grey BR sweater (seen here) it’s just so cozy, I’m also a HUGE fan of high waisted skirts for work, I used to be terrified of them (umm hello belly bulge), but now I think they’re super flattering and make me look skinnier than I am.
Oh jeesh, favourite shoe that I own? I llooooovvvve all my shoes, umm they would have to be my Tory Burch heels because I wear them so much (work and bars), although my elie tahari boots (bad pic of them here) and vintage YSL heels, also hold a special place in my heart.
My favourite accessory (this is truly shocking, even to me, that’s it’s not earrings) is my Kate Spade bracelet. I love it and wear it every chance I get.
Gosh, I’m still amazed I was told I’ve got style! This summer I’m hoping to hit up a lot more dresses with bold patters on them, and cute, vintage-like heels.
I watched your video and was wondering where you're from originally... I know you live in Toronto but your accent seems to be from elsewhere. Or am I just crazy?
Love your blog, by the way :) You're very journey is very inspiring!
You’re not crazy, OR ARE YOU? No, no it’s all good. My quick life history is as follows
Pretoria, South Africa: Born and raised. 1984 - 1997 Auckland, New Zealand: 1997 - 1999 Toronto, Canada: 1999 - 2010 Melbourne, Australia: 2010 - ? ( I hope!!)
Yup, so my accent is mixed, and random, and odd. I once had two guys come up to me at a bar, who had been listening to me talk, “we have a bet on where you’re from… he says NZ, I say SA, so which is it?” I couldn’t help them.
Thank you for following and asking, hope that clears things up :)
Your accent is fucking adorable! I think your daily food intake looks delicious (especially the salads!) Have you been able to find the steel cut oats? I live in the US and can't find them in the local grocery store.
Oh goodness! I didn’t even think about the ‘accent’ factor, as I can’t hear it myself, but thank you! As soon as I posted it I saw the comments on my accent… eek, some people just think I, “talk funny” AWKWARD.
No!! I’ve looked for the steel cut oats too, but with that being said word on the street is they don’t taste that good. Note, street = my trainer.