Today is halloween. Today is the day that being a fatty? SUCKS.
Seriously, it does, like a lot.
Every year for Halloween I plan my costume around my lumps and curves, hoping to disguise the naked eye into thinking I’m not a fatty. Every year I take note of all the slutty costumes out there (whom ps, not judging because let’s be honest… if I could rock a trampy Ronald McDonald look, I so would) and secretly wish my body looked like theirs.
And then every year, like clockworks I swear to myself I’ll be skinny the following year, be the person I want to be, wear the outfit I want to wear. Every year.
This year will be no different. Yes, I’m 45 pounds down from Halloween last year, but I still have lots of ‘dangerous curves ahead’ on my boday which scare the shit out of me and make me terrified to venture outside of my humble abode.
Tonight I am going as a troll.
It’s the most ‘revealing slash tight slash holy-shit-what-was-i-thinking-costume I’ve ever put together; think skin tight, nude colour body suit, umm yea… what.was.I.thinking?!? I’m really nervous and am totally regretting the idea, but the stupid, hot-pink-omigod-it’s-so-awesome-wig has wood me in.
Going well, still driving the wagon full steam ahead. I’ve eaten 4 points so far today and in 20 minutes I’m meeting my sister for a delicious 6 point veggie sub.
The plan is to run out of here when the clock strikes 5pm, so I can run before it gets too dark (and scary) and then late night tonight I’m heading out on the town for karaoke with some of my favourites.
I’m going to make today count, and not just be some day in my past I failed at the one thing I set out to do; lose. weight.
Screw it, I won’t even lie to you, I DID NOTHING THIS WEEK. Nothing! I suddenly had no motivation to run, and somehow time passed and I found my self sitting down 7 days after the 1/2 marathon to blog about my lack of exercise. BUT this week I set up two appointments to visit two gyms and a nutritionist.
I’m going to try and run tomorrow (but in my defense it’s dark when I leave work now… so I’m not sure where to run without being hit by cars/bikes/rapists). Hence.. the gym appointments.
Also, I’m thinking I’m going to do the 30 day shred. Yes.. like, the full 30-day shred. Day 1 to Day 30. Hopefully it’ll help in the whole 10 pounds-before-my-birthday-thing.
The weird thing? with all my heart I truly believe I will get to my goal weight and be the person I want to be. With all my heart; one day.
However, as I look down at my belly as I type this, I’m reminded of the huge amount of effort, work, and will power I’ll need to get from here (can’t see my feet when I step on the scale) to there (being comfortable in my own skin).
It’s a moment’s decision. A moment I can’t seem to find. You read and hear of all these success stories; of people fighting the battle and winning, of people going from fat to fit. What did they have that I don’t? Will I ever be one?
All signs are pointing to no. My heart is pointing to yes.
Tomorrow is today, it’s now or never; I’m signing up for a full marathon September 2010. It wasn’t a faint decision, I’ve thought about it more than you’ll know. I also spent the day emailing personal trainers and gyms as I’ve decided there’s no shame in asking for help. I need help.
I’ve written fifty eight different things, but not had the courage to post any of them. I feel like the vulnerability level on this blog has decreased recently; I’ll write something, think about ‘publishing’ it, and then ‘draft’ it.
So, in a new attempt to get back to why I started this blog and to stay true to myself I’ll tell you this…
I’ve not been caring about my food lately. It’s terrible and I don’t know why.
I’ve gained weight.
I have a constant feeling that I slipped through the whole ½ marathon system, and somehow faked the two runs
I don’t trust myself enough around food.
I’m bored and want a life change
I binge ate the other night.
I eyed the toilet for an easy escape the other night.
Now that I don’t have a scheduled race planned, I hate how I have no desire to run,.
I hate how this wagon I’ve fallen off is my fucking life. Not a wagon.
I’m craving a change. Not sure what it’s going to be yet…
ahh I’m so sad/disappointed right now; I didn’t beat my time.
Actually, I added 3 minutes to it. Although I must admit I had to stop 3 times to use the washroom (ya… major stomach issues, it super sucked, people out there either understand, or don’t at all) so I suppose I actually ran faster than I did 3 weeks ago, but that stupid time of 2hours 27 minutes is just staring me in my face; failure.
Thanks for all the location suggestions! I went with this one simply because it was the closest one to my hotel, yup… I’m honestly just that lazy. And if you’re *that* lazy too, we already have something in common, so I think you should come.
Just call out ‘E’ and I’ll come a-running. Or… I’ll be that girl drinking alone in the corner. Any and All are welcome, obvy. I’ll also be wearing my black flower headband.