I walked into the elevator today to travel down six floors, and surrounded by strangers on all sides, I stared straight ahead into the mirrored door.
And there, straight ahead of me, was the reflection of a girl I didn’t recognize. Her face was puffy, her cheek bones lost, her hair not washed for far too many days, and in an outfit that was less than ordinary.
I made eye contact with this girl. Stared her down, really. And this stranger, blankly stared right back at me. And there, in that elevator, around the third floor I had this wave of pure sadness sweep over me. What the actual fuck have I done?
I have issues with food. I know this. You know this. The whole world glancing my way knows this. I think about it far too much. Promise tomorrow I’ll conquer the battle. And within 6 months I’ll have won the war. And then it’s always the same. Today is tomorrow. And tomorrow is my deadline.
And now I’m twenty nine, and in certain aspects of my life I feel like I’ve finally got my shit together, finally got a life plan, finally figured out the path I want to take. I am happy in nearly all areas of my life, with the exception of my weight.
Last week I went to dinner with a guy I went on about fifteen dates with (I actually have no idea how many dates, but whatever, that’s not the point), and he told me back on the first date he could tell how self conscious I was about my body. Fuck. My body language, he noted, showed it through and through. This girl doesn’t like the way she looks, he thought, as he watched my awkward arm gestures, purse placements, and sweater adjustments. Holy shit.
I don’t even know where I’m going with this post, or what my plan of action should be. But I do know I have to do something, because it appears that it doesn’t matter how happy I am in my life, whether it be my career, my apartment, friends/family, finances, social outings… because being unhappy with one’s weight is overpowering and trickles into all facets of life. And what I know, and what I believe, is that my life is better not fat. And oh, how I find myself yearning for the days when weight/weight loss was just a slice of the pie that is my life, instead of trickling and perhaps even dominating all the corners of it.
And of course I realize a smaller size or lower weight doesn’t equate to a better, easier, everything-falls-in-your-lap life, but I know the confidence it ensues within me trickles into every moment I live. Big or small, throughout my days, the confidence of looking and feeling good, well, there’s nothing quite like it. From quietly painting my nails on my couch, to tossing on a party dress on in a hurry and running out the door, it’s easier to not be overweight. And simply put, I miss those days.
I miss my old face, and clothes, and confidence. I miss not constantly thinking I look obese. I miss feeling fit, and pretty, and content with who I am. I miss taking photos and not caring about the angel, or seeing a reflection and liking what I see… today, that’s sure not how it is; not even a little bit, well, not even at all.
And as I look around my apartment, at the photos on my walls, of my work laptop I happily took out this evening, at my phone that’s been buzzing with messages all evening from friends and family, it appears to me that the final piece to the game of my life, is my weight. And I’m drowning in desperately wanting to change, but not being able to do so. Wash, rinse, repeat, but how long can this last before… well, I don’t know what, but whatever it is, honestly, it scares me. A lot.
And now, for my favourite part, dancing the night away with the bride, groom & friends. I didn’t think i’d get to see Maria & Casey that much, as they’d have bride n’ groom duties, but how wrong I was! The evening was so much fun, and I remember seeing the clock strike midnight and being so sad there was only a few hours left.
Here I am with the bride n’ groom, the new Mr. and Mrs. (who are off to Hawaii as I type this!). I can’t get over Maria - pure perfection!
Keeping it classy. And yes, yes, yes, I KNOW. My dress was too low. NEVER AGAIN. I was soooo self conscious, and that is the last time I show off the gals like that, because ugh. But anywho, moving on… striking a pose with this beautiful gentlemen:
And my friend Tereas!
My dapper looking seat mates.
And Kavita who came in from Dr. duties in NYC for the festivities.
And, of course, the gang:
And then, of course, their first dance…
Here’s Casey & Maria cutting the cake - perhaps the best photo I took throughout the whole evening on my iPhone. The lighting is just so lovely, and I love how you can see batman poking his head out the cake (ps. Yup, she did a dress change).
Sparkle! Sparkle! And then… blurry SHOTS! (not pictured: vodka going straight into my EYE. It was soooo sore, but then felt so clean.).
And more selfies…
And then we danced until we couldn’t dance anymore (literally, we got kicked out)
It was a beautiful, glorious, fun, delicious, evening celebrating these two people, who I couldn’t have matched together better.
Congratulations Maria & Casey, and I can’t wait for this next chapter in your life! xoxo
Oh jeesh, where do I even begin with the reception? The reception was perfection from start to finish:
This iPhone panoramic does it little justice: there was sparkle everywhere, and from the tiny touches, to the big picture, it was pure class. No detail went unthought of, and at the post-wedding-brunch on Sunday, I heard stories of things I hadn’t even noticed (ummm, there was a grilled cheese bar?!). But I did notice the oyster bar, the heavenly cheese tables, the signature drinks, the Dairy Queen blizzards, the most delicious steak I’ve ever had (which I could cut with a butter knife), the photo booth, the lobster (which I tried! go me! As I don’t eat sea food), the incredible live band, the “special edition” wine (which I drank way too much of), the beautiful gifts we all got, the incredible five tiered cake with batman on it… to name a few things off the top of my head!
And then, of course, there was the fooooood. Oh, yes, the glorious, glorious food:
Everything was sooooooo delicious, and this doesn’t even include the treats tables, and late night snacks area, which was beyond incredible. I actually (for me, I know, I know) didn’t take that many photos, as I enjoyed the wedding too much in the moment, to walk around and capture it all, but hopefully you get the gist.
Before time slips through my fingers, and the magic of this past weekend fades away, let me pop in for a little update. An update about *thee* wedding of the year. The wedding I’ve been waiting for, for years!
On Saturday, two of my friends got married! And, you guys, to say the bride in her dress was stunning, is quite the understatement. I mean looooook at her!!!
Her dress and veil were so beautiful, and believe me when I tell you these photos don’t do her justice. She was also so calm, cool, and collected the whole day, and probably the least “bridezilla” bride there ever was, as she savored every second of her special day.
I couldn’t really look at her, because I just wanted to cry all the happy tears right then & there!
So, so beautiful. The bridesmaids were all her sisters & cousins, and their dresses were also pure perfection! I was lucky enough to get my hair n’ makeup done with these ladies, and help Maria get ready with her mom & sister, which was such a special moment. I also *loved* watching her dad see her for the first time. So much love happened on this day.
You can ask all my friends how anxious I was before the ceremony, because I wanted to get an aisle seat so badly, and I’m so pleased I did, as the ceremony was beautiful, and I had to think about random things to stop the tears from flowing. If you check out my Instagram (username: LizClaire_) you’ll see a short little video of them walking down the aisle, beaming at each other.
And as the wedding party gathered for a few hours to take photos, I got to hang out with some of my nearest & dearest:
It was quite the high school reunion…
As friends came from near n’ far to celebrate in the wedding festivities, which has been in the making since grade six!
I also loved my hair n’ makeup, and now sort of want to take a course on professional makeup, as I looked soooo much better with it done right.
Well, today was a good day. Nothing spectacular event wise, but I am happy with how it all went down. I weighed 188 this morning. Yup. I’ll just leave that nugget of information for you right there.
Getting dressed in the morning is quite the struggle lately, as I literally lay in bed pondering what item of clothing, which actually fits me, I haven’t worn in the past few days. Today’s lucky winner was this ensemble, complete with a bloody big smile. Cheeeeeeeeeeese!!
At work I avoided these CHOCOLATE CROISSANTS just hanging out in the kitchen. As I’ve noted before my office is a gold mine of sweet, sweet temptations, but today I fought the treats, and I won (woot!).
For lunch I ate my leftover dinner from last night (chicken, broccoli, cauliflower, topped with half a can of Campbell’s broccoli soup. It was “hmm hmm good.”), and an apple and a slice of cheese for my afternoon snack.
I worked until six (and let it be known, I LOVE the project I’m currently working on… so much so 5pm and weekends are inconveniences to the project. Yea… I know!!), but at 6pm I pulled myself away, and headed north to meet my friend for a walk (we walked for 1.5 hours!), and then ate dinner out at Jack Astor’s (a cliche, terrible-for-your-calorie-wise restaurant.) I ordered the world’s most over priced mundane “California Chicken Salad” (it was $18!), but despite the insane cost (vs a $12 hamburger & fries), I was happy with my good decision to eat healthy.
And now I am home, and here I am. Telling my boyfriend my blog about my day about nothing. Oh, the exciting life I lead!! Ha! But really…. those skinny photos of mine I posted last night really motivated me. I kept popping in and looking at them, and was honestly so shocked that was ME, and when I found myself in the kitchen getting water, yet secretly eying the cookies, I walked away thinking, “I did it once, I can do it again!”
(Also, thank you sooooo much for all the support from yesterday’s post. You guys are the best. Thank you. xo)
This weekend went by in the flash of an eye, and I have to admit, it wasn’t one of the best…
I left work on Friday all lollipops n’ sunshine as it was finally the weekend, but then (oh-so-very-sadly) was hit with one of the worst migraines of my life just as I stepped inside my door. The migraine crippled all my plans for the next 24 hours, and I literally did not leave my apartment from about 6pm on Friday, until this morning (Sunday).
When I wasn’t curled up in a ball in my bed, or throwing up (yup, my migraines are that bad), I ventured to my couch and completed one of the best marathons of my life; two words, y’all; Tim Riggins. Oh, Friday Night Lights… how I love you.
Netflix got all judgy on my ass, which I did not appreciate. At all.
YES NETFLIX. I’M STILL WATCHING. YES, NETFLIX, I’M THIS LAZY.
I also, because whatever, we’re living in today’s world, & don’t lie, you do it too, I took a selfie of myself, because trust my hair to look awesome when I am feeling sick up in my ‘hood, and there is nobody there to see it. (#firstworldproblem right there)
Black & white for your artistic viewing pleasure (or, because I was pretty much in the dark, and this photo is super grainy).
So yup. My weekend was SO LAME and painful (ugh. migraines. UGH.), but then I woke up this morning feeling all new & refreshed (10 hours of sleep and A LOT of Advil will do that to you!) and ventured out to meet my sister for a little Farmers’ Market Action, which luckily turned this weekend frown, upside down…
I went to dinner last night with Amy, who virtually lives over at The Little Honey Bee. We headed to Tabule (which I highly recommend - so yummy!), and discussed all things marathon training (she’s training for her first!), CrossFit, dating, weight loss, and life. She is incredibly sweet, and if you’re looking for new yummy recipes, or inspiration, click through to her blog!
I haven’t posted many outfit posts lately because I haven’t exactly been looking stellar lately. But I ordered this skirt from Old Navy, and I really like it. So here’s my outfit today.
Peach season is in! (And Avocado season, sigh, is out). I highly recommend you great a peach this week, as they’re so juicy and yummy!
I went for a walk on lunch with a colleague, and we saw these flowers, and they were just so pink & beautiful, I thought I’d share.
I have no plans tonight, so I’m going to go for a run/walk. I type this, because I need accountability! I’ll report back post run/walk :)